Thursday, December 2, 2010

Bless This Mess

Well, it appears that for now at least I've managed to get around infertility.  It's a great time for this great news since hubby and I just had our nine year anniversary yesterday AND it's December, the hardest time of year for me. Good news really helps.  But I can't help but wonder - is this my long-awaited miracle or just the precursor to more tragedy?  Will this little one stick?  Over the course of one day, I've transitioned from total despair thinking this cycle failed to both excitement and abject terror in equal measure. I try to distract myself, but I'm good at multi-tasking.  No matter what I'm doing, I can also obsess about this at the same time!

Now that I've got a minute, I'll tell you the Tale of the Two Week Wait in Hell.  Actually, it was only nine days from transfer to beta, but it sure seemed longer.  Post-transfer I was optimistic for two whole days.  I was high on hope and drugs.  Then I started to go downhill, reaching Soul-Crushing Despair Mode by late Saturday, five days post-transfer.  Sunday through Tuesday I was certain this hadn't worked thanks to some cramping and ovarian pain, which I assumed was the endo preparing for action.  Wednesday I grabbed a test from my bathroom stash and used it.  It looked like there may be a second line, but it was impossible to say for sure.  I wasn't even certain the test actually was a pregnancy test as opposed to an ovulation predictor test.  The only markings on the wrapper were lot #, expiration date, etc. and that's all I had at the time.  I acquired a digital pregnancy test and used it early Thursday, fully expecting it to be negative.  It wasn't!

This is the sixth time I've been pregnant.  Every previous pregnancy featured symptoms (sore boobs, nausea) for at least a couple of days before my period was expected.  This time there is nothing and that terrifies me.  Now I know why - low progesterone - and I've upped my doses but still no sign of pregnancy symptoms.  I want to have sore boobs.  I want to spend my mornings throwing up.  I want to feel awful so I can feel good about this pregnancy.

I'm extremely frustrated that because of the weekend, I have to wait clear until Monday to find out if my hormone levels are rising.  With my last pregnancy nearly TWO YEARS ago, I got a positive test only to find out three days later (yes, another wretched weekend wait!) that it was not viable.  To say that I am petrified is a gross understatement.  I'm a spectacular mess and I've really appreciated all of your prayers and kind words.  It means a lot.  Please keep those prayers coming for this little one!

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

Maybe I don't have the same attitude as you (and maybe I wouldn't feel the same if it was me experiencing it rather than you!), but pregnant for now is good! It's the first step you inevitably have to go through. And no matter what this pregnancy will live in your heart forever. Hopefully, hopefully, HOPEFULLY your child will as well.

Anonymous said...

Oh that's great news! Fingers and toes crossed for you and a tentative congratulations. Try and take care of yourself, I now how stressful this must be. Sending positive thoughts your way.

PS-I awarded you a Cherry on Top award on my blog today!

Curls O Fred said...

Oh what would we do without those sweeping emotions...it's a hard journey after all you've experienced. Hoping with you!

Teresa said...

Oh Wow! I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. I really really hope this turns out for you!

Jeanne said...

Annie,

You are in my thoughts and prayers. You've been through a great deal. I hope that the weekend magically flies by for you (hey, I can wish, right?) and that you get good news on Monday.

Take it easy and try to do anything and everything possible to reduce your stress and anxiety levels. (For me, this nearly always involves Tori Amos music... but whatever works for you). :)

Take care!

Jeanne

jrs said...

I completely understand your range of emotions. It is so hard to be happy and cheery when you know that a positive pregnancy test does not clear you for a blissful 9 month pregnancy.

Hang in there. I am hoping time flies and that there will be more tears of joy and sighs of relief on Monday

Nicole said...

Praying for you! And sending lots of love and hugs.

Anonymous said...

Lot and lots o' sticky vibes!

heartincharge said...

Prayers have been sent up for your peace and for good news. Only one more day now!

Lori said...

Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you and tomorrow...praying numbers and levels are sky high!!
xoxo

MamaBiologist said...

Congratulations! I'm praying for you

My Endo Journey said...

Yay for rising betas!!! Heres to august 2011!