As Expected, Not "Expecting"

Words cannot convey the magnitude of this depressing news, so I won't even try. This was our last chance. *

* Unless something fabulous happens quickly for hubby on the job front, because health insurance = IVF

Beware the Ides of March

There are still four days left of The Wait as I finish up my last cycle on Follistim. I fully expect the results to be negative thanks to the relentless attack endo has been waging for months near my one and only tube and ovary. That's the only place that ever hurts, and boy does it hurt. Also the sperm count was pretty rotten at IUI this time around. A few hours after the IUI, during church, I could swear I felt an egg popping out! So I seduced hubby there in the pew. We ditched the kids at church and I made him take me home immediately to make another (hopefully better) deposit before he had to rush back to church to teach a lesson. I'm a desperate woman.

I've been passing the time researching IVF and hoping to find out before Beta Day whether it's a viable option for us. I needed to know if bad news on Friday means The End For Good or just The End For Now. After much research and many phone calls, I was shocked - shocked, I tell you - to get accepted for the Cost Sharing Program at my clinic despite my losses and one ovary. Things were moving along at breathtaking speed so that we could get started next month! This might really work! Of course it might also be an even more painful and expensive way to fail, but I was cautiously optimistic. Recent years have turned me into a big pessimist and it felt good to have a little optimism, even just the small cautious type. Yes, I dared feel a little bit happy about the possibility of Something Good finally happening. That, of course, is the cue for Something Terrible to occur.

Hubby got fired! At this point, it is unclear exactly why he's fired or exactly when he's cut off as he's expected to work until the replacement is brought on. Since he works for a very large corporation, there's some hope (though not a whole lot in this economy) of finding work within the company by using the many contacts he's been cultivating in anticipation of this very event. But for now we are in survival mode (wait - isn't that where we've been for years already?!) unable to plan on ANYTHING - not income, not insurance, not spring break in exotic Illinois, and certainly not stressful and expensive IVF. No future plans of any kind. Now there's even more stress piled on when we already felt stressed nearly to the breaking point.

On second thought, I don't think I'm a pessimist at all. I'm just a realist - and life really, really sucks right now. Oh, things could be worse. We know that because they've been getting progressively worse for years now. But . . . at least we have some savings and aren't tethered to a house, which we're absolutely giddy about. And we're all reasonably healthy with no deadly diseases - just endo which sometimes makes me wish I were dead. See, I can look on the bright side. I'm a pessimistically optimistic realist.

Wouldn't It Be Loverly?

I'm in the midst of examining Xtreme Measures for family building. Tragically, all of them have one thing in common - all require a five-figure sum of $$$$$. The figures are daunting, especially given the sorry state of the economy and the fact that hubby's job is in some jeopardy. Since I have always been frugal (some may say cheap) the thought of spending that much money with no guaranteed result tends to make me a little nauseous. But thanks to years of frugality we already have the five-figure sum in the bank at this moment, so no debt would be involved. Still, that's A LOT of money and the last thing I want to do is add financial stress on top of everything else.

Looking at our options and essentially planning for failure this cycle has thus far prevented hope from growing in any meaningful way. Who knows what kind of wreck I'll be in two weeks time, however, when the results are in for this last cycle with Follistim? I'm guessing it could be ugly.

Today's ultrasound showed three mature follicles (and another that's a bit too small I think) so in mere moments I will inject the Ovidrel and also give my ovary a stern warning: "This is a stick-up! Quietly hand over the eggs to the tube, or next time the needle may be in you!"

Yes, IVF may be on the table after all. I've found that some of the four local infertility clinics don't automatically disqualify me from the cost sharing program due to my lone ovary, and there's some chance I could get in despite my three losses in a row.  It'll take some more research, paperwork, and consultations to get a firm answer. I just have to hope that at least one clinic will buy the "cord-related losses are just random bad luck" theory.

For now, though, we're focused on giving this cycle our best shot. Whacking Day falls on the Sabbath this time. Please pray for us! May our time in the Porn Room/Stirrups be blessed with success! I don't have high hopes, but wouldn't it be lovely if it actually worked?! It would be so wonderful not to endure the intense stress of further infertility treatment and all the needles and probing that go with it, to say nothing of being able to use the $$$$$ we've saved for a house, as intended.

All I want is a room somewhere
Babe and I in a rocking chair
An answer to a prayer
Oh, wouldn't it be loverly?

What we need are some good gametes
Then baby smiling in the back seat
Wee face, wee hands, wee feet
Oh, wouldn't it be loverly?


UPDATE: Sunday morning 11 am - Sperm count at IUI 10 million with 50% motility. Not the greatest number. Insert expletives here.

In a Happier Place, If Only Briefly

Well, we've survived Whacking Day again and arrived at that happy place, Week One of The Wait, with some hope of good news in twelve days' time. The stats this time are as follows: 4 mature follicles in me, 43 million swimmers from hubby delivered via catheter, plus two deposits at home the fun way.

Last year at this time I was pregnant, but didn't know it yet. That of course ended in yet another loss. Will I still be in this awful place next February? It's all I can do to think positively for even a day, but assuming my anatomy hasn't been too severely damaged by the endo and cysts, we may have a shot at it this time. All I can do now is hope and say a little prayer: Dear God, gimme a break, man!

Also, I'm putting up a pic of the T-shirt hubby got on a recent business trip. Funny, but I don't think I'll let him wear it out in public:

More Rain and No Rainbow

Once again, I can't even get a pink line, much less a rainbow baby. A rainbow baby, for those who don't know, is a baby born after loss, bringing light and color after a dark and terrible storm.

In Greek mythology, the goddess of the rainbow is Iris. She used the rainbow to travel down to earth to deliver messages from the Gods and to transport women's souls to the underworld. This is the only kind of rainbow I have gotten. Since my first loss I've gotten pregnant twice more, but the hoped-for rainbow babies never arrived. Instead, Iris's rainbow transported me to hell. I've often wondered what message God is sending me on this rainbow. He takes my babies again and again, but offers no peace, no comfort, and no guidance in the aftermath. I don't know how to live with this kind of a rainbow.

Whacking Day

We are now in the 2 week wait, having survived a weekend of double IUIs. Whacking Day, as it's affectionately known around here, is inevitably more stressful for hubby than it is for me. He has to enjoy it on some level, if only for a few minutes, in order to do the dirty deed. On the other hand, I am free from this particular pressure. I actually don't mind the IUI itself, having survived much more painful and invasive indignities along this road, but the stress of being in this situation at all always sets off a couple of day's worth of heart palpitations every time we make it to this critical juncture.

Post IUI #2, I drove home in an optimistic mood, which is rare for me as you may have noticed. The stats looked good. Two mature follicles. Two seemingly well-timed IUIs. 190 million sperm, which hubby managed to crank out despite being ill with a bad cold, proving once again (as if there were ever any doubt) that all of this infertility agony is my fault.

Since supposed ovulation, however, I'm despairing over two days of pain which have me wondering if I ever did actually ovulate at all. Hubby and the clinic have done their parts, but I never can seem to hold up my end of the deal. This was supposed to be a week of pain-free optimism typical of Week One. Week Two is always a different story, as you well know if you've been subjected to a great many ultimately fruitless two-week-waits. Ten days to go!

It's On!

The injectibles cycle is ON! Fingers crossed; legs (alas) certainly not. Got good news from the clinic that I still have in excess of $6000 left of my $10,000 insurance coverage for infertility, when I thought it was down to less than $2K. Hooray and an even bigger HOORAY should I never need to use it! Also, I'm thoroughly enjoying not being in constant pain. No pain at all for four days in a row, and counting!

The Follistim shots began four days ago at a low dose (50 IU) and it's hard to believe such a tiny amount of liquid could have much effect at all. I was pleased to find that the injections are simple and nearly painless. It's wonderful to finally have the opportunity to try this, but it was rather depressing on Sunday. I was at church at injection time and had to walk past pew after pew of pregnant women (OK - slight exaggeration, but there were at least three) to go shoot up in the church bathroom. Ugh.

I was pretty discouraged at the follow-up ultrasound today, but don't know whether I should be, as I've never used Follistim before. I'm on Day 7 now, with four small follicles measuring 16, 12, 11, and 10. One is certainly the remains of my most recent cyst. According to the nurse, the others "might catch up", so my Follistim dose stays the same. That phrase extinguished most of the small hope I'd allowed to grow. "Might" is just the trouble with infertility . All this trauma, expense, and agony for a small maybe. And "catch up" makes me feel I'm coming up short already. Am I? It will probably torment me all day.

I'm teetering on the line between hope and despair, trying very hard to avoid the pain of falling on either side of it. I don't want to set myself up for a spectacular crash if this fails, but having some degree of hope is necessary. After all, going through with all the appointments, injections, etc is an act of hope.

If this doesn't work it seems we are out of luck, since both IVF and adoption have been ruled out (on which more later). Granted, I had also previously said I wouldn't go so far as injectibles because of the risk of multiples, and yet here we are. Prior to today I was just so happy being in the moment - free of pain and able to try again. Today, the gravity of the situation kicked in and the pressure is starting to build. Praying with the last microscopic shred of faith I have left that this works...

A Brief History

Updated November 2015:

Surgery #1 (October 2001): Just six weeks before my wedding, a large mass was discovered.  Laparoscopy to remove a 10" paratubal cyst (benign serous cystadenoma).  Nothing's been the same since!

Pregnancy #1: David born April 2003 at 39 weeks

• First noticed slightly lagging growth at 20 week ultrasound; more serious by 30 weeks
• IUGR (5 pounds even at term) APGAR scores 2 / 7
• Meconium and Nuchal cord x1
• We were told he had a "thin cord" and "small placenta", but it was not sent to the lab
• 5 days in NICU
• Has heart murmur, which we're told is "innocent" (not problematic)

Pregnancy #2: Tania born March 2005 at 39 weeks

• 6 pounds 3 oz. APGAR scores 9 / 9
• We were told the placenta appeared to have "two sacs", but it was not sent to the lab
• Diagnosed with hole in heart (atria) @ 3 weeks; resolved on its own by 3 years

Pregnancy #3: Jeremiah lost January 2007 at 21 weeks

• Normal chromosomes (except a pericentric inversion of chromosome 9 [inv(9)(p12q13)] inherited from mom - we're told this is insignificant
• Pathology report notes the cord was hypercoiled
• All labs on mom normal, except "moderate positive" result on anticardiolipin antibody IgG, which we're told is not significant; after six weeks this was retested and the level was "inconclusive"

Pregnancy #4: Miles lost July 2007 at 19 weeks

• Normal chromosomes
• I took baby aspirin from 6 weeks onward
• All labs normal, including anticardiolipin
• There had been a fetal-maternal bleed (2.5 cc) and the amniotic fluid was brown with old blood
• Cord showed stricture in mid-umbilical cord; we noticed after he was delivered that there were also a couple of less dramatic areas of narrowing
• Additional testing on me showed I am heterozygous for MTHFT mutation C677T, which we're told is "not clinically significant"

Surgery #2 (January 2008): Exploratory laparoscopy. I lost my right tube (had been badly damaged by previous 10" cyst) and right ovary, though I think it should have been saved as it only had a small endometrioma. I ended up in the emergency room six days post-surgery for a hematoma.  I'll spare you the gross picture.  You're welcome. After recovering from surgery, we started trying to conceive again only to find that I'm now infertile.


Pregnancy #5: Miscarried February 2009 at 5 weeks
This time conceived on first cycle of Clomid and IUI (We had no trouble getting pregnant the first four times)

April 2009 - Cycle 2 with Clomid/IUI = Negative
May through July - on the Pill because of large painful cyst!
August 2009 - Cycle 3 with Clomid/IUI = Negative
September 2009 - Cycle 4 with Clomid/IUI = Negative
October through December - on the Pill because of large painful cyst!
January 2010 - Cycle 1 with Follistim/IUI = Negative
February 2010 - Cycle 2 with Follistim/IUI = Negative
March 2010 - Cycle 3 with Follistim/IUI = Negative
April to July 2010 - on the Pill because of a small stubborn cyst and planning IVF
July/August 2010 - IVF #1: 12 eggs retrieved, 6 mature, 4 fertilized, 2 transferred on Day 3 (8 cell and 5 cell), none to freeze - Negative
September to November 2010 - on The Pill because at least one endometrioma has developed ; IVF #2 delayed
November 2010 - IVF #2: 11 eggs retrieved, 4 mature, 3 fertilized, 2 transferred on Day 5 (1 blastocyst, 1 morula), none to freeze - Positive!

Pregnancy #6:  Anastasia born August 2011 at 40 weeks!!
        Cord and placenta look normal; Apgars 9/9; she's perfect!


Epilogue!

Pregnancy #7:  In March 2015, I was shocked and terrified to find that I've gotten pregnant naturally.  After reliving the terror that is high-risk pregnancy, I had a healthy girl at term.  We found out only after she was born that she had cord stricture as well.

2015-present: We are DONE with this whole business!  Q got a vasectomy.  The kids are all healthy and growing well.  Since getting pregnant in 2010, I've been 95% free of the endometriosis pain I'd endured for a decade ... a wonderful and unexpected bonus!