I named my rainbow baby Anastasia because I loved how the meaning of the name is so pertinent to what we had to go through to have her. The meaning is usually said to be "resurrection", but there is more to it than that. Anastasia comes from the Greek word anastasis, which also means "a raising up" and "a recovery from a debilitating condition". There is no doubt that she has raised our family up to a better place.
For me, the depression and anxiety documented earlier on this blog lifted once Anastasia was born, just as I expected it would. What I didn't expect was the great improvement in health I've had since Anastasia was born. It is well known that pregnancy and breastfeeding can put endometriosis into remission. For me, it has stayed that way even after she was weaned. The pelvic pain that plagued me for a DECADE, sometimes causing constant pain lasting for months, has been entirely gone these last four years! This has been a lovely surprise and has enabled me to do things that were difficult before. I used to be unable to sit for long periods without pain, which made things like traveling and watching movies unpleasant. Now, to Q's great joy, I am capable of sitting on my butt for hours at a time.
Seriously, though, this pregnancy is kicking my butt like no other before it. It must be my age, because I am utterly exhausted much of the time. This means my house is often disgusting because I can't keep up with the dishes, laundry, cleaning, etc. Also I only make real dinners a couple of times a week. The rest of the time we rely on convenience foods from the supermarket. It's great to have this option, but it is not good for the budget nor is it as appealing as a home cooked meal.
The anxiety with this pregnancy has been very much like last time, but with other added stressors thrown as well, such as the fact that we need to buy a house and move very soon whether here in Minnesota or in some other state. With my last pregnancy, we knew what stress we were in for and simplified our lives to make it easier to handle. Not so this time around.
This time, the biggest difference is that I'm coming at it from a very different angle. Last time I was starting out from a very bad place, climbing week by week out of a deep depression and finally being raised up to a very high place. The view from the top is stunning - everything I'd hoped for and well worth the climb.
With this pregnancy I began at the top, which is obviously a plus. However, when I peer over the edge of the cliff and see the place far below where I lay broken not so very long ago, I am filled with a terror that is beyond words.
So this is where I stand at nineteen weeks. Miles died at nineteen weeks. Jeremiah died at twenty-one. My next appointment is on Wednesday, when I hope to get some good images of the cord. Friday I leave for a family reunion. The timing is less than ideal in my eyes, but hopefully it will be a good distraction so I won't feel stalked by death every single moment. If I run away fast enough and go far enough, maybe death won't find me this time!