War and Peace

Mei-mei is 28 weeks today!  Her growth is looking good - she is at the 49th percentile and is about 2 1/2 pounds.  Average.  Normal.  This is such wonderful news!  The joy of this pregnancy is now outweighing the anxiety and I am loving it!

Last week's 27 week post was up for only a few hours before Blogger crashed, taking the post with it.  It was a very happy post about Mei-mei and about more wonderful news I received that day, which was that my suicidal brother was finally getting some help.  That part turned out not to be true and I was too bummed about it to revise the post, so I just left it down.  My bro has started eating again and is no longer in imminent danger, but he remains with our mother who still thinks his dysfunctional state is the result of demon possession.  I don't know how anyone could live in that house and NOT be suicidal.  My parents are separated (another tragic tale!), which is making it damn near impossible for my brother to get real help or be extricated from this mess.

It's terribly stressful and tragic watching the family I grew up in at war and disintegrating.  At the same time, it's such a joy to see my own little family finding peace and even growing after surviving some very dark years!

The Girls

My daughter drew this picture today of herself and me with Mei-mei in my belly

A Little Sigh of Relief

Thankfully today's scan left me more reassured than last week's.  Mei-mei's measurements are right on, which is a relief.  It had been four weeks since the last measurement scan and I do worry about that.  I worry about everything!  I thought maybe I'd calm down a little bit once I got past the points where I lost the boys.  Nope.  Maybe this next week will be better since today's doctor (another new one) told us emphatically that everything is looking great with the cord.

A sidenote in response to some comments on last week's post regarding the doctor's "upper end of normal cord coiling" comment:  A cord that doesn't have coiling is very dangerous for a baby and so is a cord that has too many coils (hypercoiling).   This site has interesting ultrasound pictures and information about both extremes - look about halfway down the page.  What you want is to be in the middle on coiling.

Last week's Wisconsin getaway was fun and we had a great time with my sister and little niece.  Last year when my sister was pregnant, I gave her all my maternity clothes and baby girl clothes.  Now I am borrowing them back.  My stash was lacking in summer maternity clothes and the seasonality of my first daughter's baby clothes is off for Mei-mei.  BUT since my sister's due date last year was August 10 and mine this year is August 11, she has filled in those gaps and I don't have to buy a single thing!  How perfect is that?!

At this time last year things were looking pretty grim and they got much worse before they finally got better, but against all odds here I am 23 weeks pregnant and things are looking good!  Who'd have thunk it?  Not me, that's for sure.  Since this week is my second blogoversary and it also happens to be near Easter, I am doing a giveaway of a pysanky (Ukrainian Easter egg).  Just leave a comment and a winner will be chosen at random.  If you win, I will design and make a pysanky especially for you!  Winner will be announced on Monday, the 18th.

Here are this year's additions (others are here and here).  I find that making these is

quite calming and that's a very good thing right now!

Our Family

My daughter Tania, who just started half-day kindergarten, drew this picture of our family for her class:

On the right she drew Daddy, then Mommy (me) with Jeremiah and Miles next to me, herself, and her brother David.  I was amazed that she thought to draw her lost brothers in the picture.  She was one when we lost Jeremiah and two when we lost Miles.  They were both five months along, so of course she never saw them or knew what was happening at the time. 

Ge-ge and Mei-mei head off to school

(That's "big brother" and "little sister" because

they go to Chinese school)

Now that both David and Tania are in school, I have two hours a day without any kids. It's more "me time" than I've had in years. It's nice to have some uninterrupted time and I get a lot done, but the house is just too quiet! Sure wish I could get rid of these cysts and have another shot at a rainbow baby.  I'd love nothing more than to bring the "me time" back down to almost zero! 

Trying to Get Our Ducks in a Row

For the longest time I have been either immersed in infertility treatment or sidelined by months-long cyst-induced bouts of pain. I am quite enjoying not being in either stressful situation at the moment, but only because as I write this I am still hopeful it's not officially The End for us. We're trying to get our ducks in a row.

Next week hubby has two (yes TWO!) interviews for jobs within his company. We just have to hope his current boss doesn't undermine it. This guy, who I may have mentioned is a spectacular jerk, returns from China tomorrow and will presumably tell hubby exactly when he is out of his current job.

Also next week we have a consult at the clinic we'll transfer to if IVF becomes a reality for us. In the meantime, I've set a few goals to help get me through the Wait of Indeterminate Length:

1) Run the equivalent of a marathon in one week's time, with the last 10 miles in one day to beat last summer's record of 9 miles in a day. This will be tough considering I only logged 14 miles this week.

2) Get my house in order. This means cleaning everything and organizing everything. That way it's ready in case we have to move. Or better yet, if we stay I can then be a slacker for awhile with the housekeeping.

3) Prepare home-school materials for my kids for this summer. Yes, I'm a mean mom. But since my kids have the incredible opportunity to be in a Chinese Immersion program at our public school (another reason I don't want to move now!) that means I'm responsible for teaching them English reading, spelling, grammar, and vocabulary.

These projects and the bliss of being pain-free almost all the time (yay!) will hopefully keep me sane for the near future, even with this super-high level of stress.

Before signing off I'd like to thank everyone who has followed along on this bumpy ride (lurkers, too!). Thanks for your kind comments, encouragement, for sharing your stories, and for listening when no one else seemed willing to hear. Hope you all have a wonderful weekend! Here's what I've been working on for Easter:

This May Be the Only Way I Can Make a Decent Egg...

Last spring I tried my hand at the art of pysanky (a.k.a. Ukrainian eggs) and have found it to be a fun and unusual hobby. Pysanky are full of symbolism - there's the symbolism of the egg itself, symbolism in the design, and also symbolism in the colors. This egg, my own design, is a representation of the contrast between how most people see pregnancy and birth (full of joy, something beautiful) and how I now see it after suffering multiple losses and infertility.

The egg: birth, new life, fertility



The design: Calendula (orange) - grief, despair, sorrow
Nightshade (purple) - deception, danger, death
Weeping willow (green) - mourning
Forget-me-not (blue) - remembrance




The dominant colors:
Orange - endurance, strength, ambition
Green - hopefulness
Black - darkest time before dawn, death, fear
White - the color of birth, light, and rejoicing is notably absent



So ... leave a comment - tell me a little about yourself if you haven't been here before. How has your perspective on life, birth, and death been changed by your experiences? I'll put your name in a hat and my impartial four-year-old will draw one. The winner will get a pysanky designed and made just for you!