Wednesday, December 9, 2009

A Not-So-Craptastic Christmas?

This picture pretty much reflects the way I see Christmas these days. It scares me.

The last three Christmases in a row have been downright horrifying for me, so I am pleased to report that thus far this December, no calamitous new misfortune has befallen my family. Well, my husband did learn that his job is in jeopardy, but at least for now he still has one.  Could 2009 be the year we finally have a Not-So-Craptastic Christmas? Here's a quick review of our last 3 craptastic Christmases:

Christmas 2006: In late December 2006, our son Jeremiah died at 5 months gestation, though we didn't find out until January 2 of 2007. I can't look back on that Christmas with any degree of fondness knowing that my son was dead inside of me.

Christmas 2007: After losing Jeremiah, I was able to get pregnant again quickly and our son Miles was due at Christmastime 2007, but instead he also died at 5 months gestation. Christmas 2007 was abysmally depressing because I didn't get what I wanted for Christmas - a new baby under my tree.

Christmas 2008: Having just been diagnosed with secondary infertility, hubby and I were finally able to bury Miles' remains with his brother during a visit to my hometown. Jeremiah had been buried, but we had to have Miles cremated due to logistical and financial issues and unsupportive family.

I very much doubt that Christmas can ever again be the joyful time of year I once loved. Instead a happy Christmas is now simply one where nothing tragic or traumatic occurs. This year has been far from gleeful, thanks to several failed fertility treatment cycles, eight months (!) spent on the PILL thanks to painful cysts, a miscarriage, and the recent sudden death of my brother, but we've suffered no additional loss in December. I'll take what I can get.

For my family, this Christmastime is an improvement on the last three. We chopped down our own tree, which my 6-year-old David likes to "bask" under and has declared "exquisite". My adorable four -year-old Tania has been singing "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" over and over. We hosted a fun gingerbread-house-making party at our house, which was the social event of the season. AND the cyst I'd feared would wreck this Christmas by landing me in the O.R. again instead still has me in wait-and-see mode and in pain - but not surgery. Hooray!

Here's hoping that my family and yours can have a happy trauma-free December this year, and that next year will be far better still.


CeCe said...

Hi Annie,
Thank you for you kind comment on my blog. I am not sure if my original note posted on your blog, so I am posting again..
I am sorry to know that we have second trimester loss and infertility in common. My heart goes out to you for your losses- I can't imagine going through that more than once. I will be following your story and wish you all the best in your journey.

Anonymous said...

Eesh, craptastic indeed. It's so sad. I wouldn't be able to look back with fondness either.
But I do hope you have a "wonderful-er" Christmas this year !

Anonymous said...

I get why you chose that photo. Please please no more craptastic Christmas's for your family.

Lin said...

So sorry for your losses! Relieved to hear that this December is a bit of a bright spot, however, or at least better than the last few. I hope things look up from here!

ASP said...

Gosh, so sorry about how bad your Christmas' have been. I hope this year is better for you. Thanks for sharing!