Thursday, December 31, 2009

A Glimmer of Hope for 2010

As I look back to before this torment of loss and infertilty began, I am struck by how pathetically my hopes have declined. I'm sure many in this community can relate. You start with hopes and plans for building your perfect family and find yourself years later a desperate wretched wreck waiting by the phone for your latest beta numbers.

Just over three years ago I was hoping my baby would be born healthy. Instead he was born dead.

But there was still hope for happier days ahead.

Then I hoped during my next pregnancy that this baby would be born alive, but he wasn't.

Hope plummeted.

After working up the courage to try again, hubby and I hoped I could get pregnant again quickly, but I couldn't.

Hope took a gut-wrenching dive.

Next, on to infertility treatment, where hope revolved around blood tests and follicle counts.

And hope made a comeback for three short days, in the form of a positive pregnancy test that quickly turned into another loss, and killed off a little more hope.

Since then it's been a few failed cycles and multiple painful cysts that prevented any hope of even trying for pregnancy.

Hope was at the end of its rope.

And then ... a glimmer of hope to start this new year? There was decent news from the doctor today. While my ovary is still not "clear", it is "good enough". I no longer have a cyst, but a "follicle" since it measures 1.5 centimeters. That means we are cleared to go ahead at the infertility clinic, assuming the situation either stays the same or, hopefully, improves between now and Day 3. I'll stay on the pill a few days more in hopes of getting off to a better start. I'm pretty terrified of getting anywhere near hope these days, but like the hapless fish in this picture, I just can't help it. It's so...pretty.

My hope for 2010 is that this year will involve a lot of needles. First, Follistim to get pregnant and then Lovenox for the duration. If anyone had told me a few years ago that my hopes would one day consist of becoming a pincushion, I would have thought they had a sick sense of humor.

I'm also hoping 2010 will end this whole ordeal, preferably with a series of miracles resulting in a live baby or at least a live-baby-to-be in my belly. But if that can never be, then I hope that 2010 will put hope out of its misery for good so I can try to move forward without it. Either way, hubby and I hope to go on an exotic vacation at the end of all this as a reward for surviving. And I'm certainly hoping that airport security doesn't involve a full body cavity search by then. That's just the sort of thing I want to get away from.


CeCe said...

Here's hoping for all the very best for you in 2010. You and your husband deserve the baby- and the exotic vacation!

I'm glad things are looking good for you this cycle. Sending you positive thoughts!

Me said...

You definitely deserve that exotic vacation! Congratulations on the "good enough" news! That is exciting!

Anonymous said...

HOPING this is the year for your baby!!!! said...

Well, I hope you do have the baby/ies in 2010, and the exotic vacay happens as well!

Happy New Year and All the Very Best!

The Steadfast Warrior said...

Despite the sadness permeating this post, the fact that you can still joke, even half-heartedly, is a good thing.

"Either way, hubby and I hope to go on an exotic vacation at the end of all this, as a reward for surviving"

I think the key word here is "surviving". I like to think of myself as a survivor, not a victim. It's a very different lens in which to approach life. It gives you a place from which to begin again. I truly hope that this year brings you happiness instead of sorrow.

Thanks for visiting my blog. :)

Liz said...

i posted two comments over on your post titled "miles story"
my heart breaks for you