Monday, December 6, 2010

I Did Not Have Sexual Relations with That Woman...

...but she's knocked up anyway.  Annie's husband Q here.  Now that I have got your attention, we got good news on the labs today.  Over four days, beta rose from 88 to 746.  Also, progesterone is now in the normal zone at 60. 

As you know, Annie has been aggressively seeking ways to increase the size of our family for quite some time. It was fun at the start, but after months of failed efforts it started to get a little scary.  Honestly, it is quite stressful for a man to come home and be required to perform on command. Call me old-fashioned but I prefer a little romance leading to the moment.

Sex on Demand
Once we learned that the traditional method of having children wasn't working, we began IUI. Annie has done a great job covering the science behind this so I won't go down that rabbit hole. However, I will provide a glimpse into what the man must do for his part of the process. Let me start by saying that as a kid growing up in a religious house, one was expressly forbidden to "shake hands with an old friend". Likewise, lad mags were a no-no, although I have come to find that the articles are great.

Any-hoo, when it was time for me to contribute for IUI or IVF, I would haul myself into the reproductive center for some personal reading. Each time I arrived, the nurse would have me submit my government ID to prove that I was the man I claimed to be. They then would have me wait in a small closed area until a room became available. During the wait, I would encounter other men's wives who would give me the "I know what you're going to do, you sick pervert" look while they sat in the same area waiting for their husbands to complete the exact same task.

Once a room was available, the nurse would walk me in and provide the necessary instructions on how to dim the lights, raise the volume to the music, and where to put the deposit once finished. From that point forward it's a race to see how fast you can get done with your business. No kidding, I have seen guys go in and come out in about 2 minutes, as if the staff is gonna charge for every additional minute in there. My thoughts are, what's the rush?

Okay, maybe it's the awful music they play in the room. I mean come on, Michael Bolton, really??? Great to wake up to for the wife after a retrieval, but for us guys? I have gotta have a beat - at least play Michael Jackson's "Beat it" or something. Also, what's up with the paper thin walls? I didn't enjoy hearing about the staff's plans for the weekend or grocery ideas when I was trying to focus on the task at hand. No matter how loud I blared Michael Bolton, I could still hear them.  When the deed was done and in the cup, I headed back to work, knowing that was the most action I was likely to get that week or the next.

Word of advice to the wives:  Have your man purchase his own reading material. Basically, it's just wrong handling something that was handled by another guy in that same room. Uuggh!! Nothing is ever too clean there. Besides, Hugh needs some more cash to support all those bunnies of his. For me, I had never bought this sort of reading material before. I quickly learned to have Annie go with me or I would go late at night when women were less likely to be out and about. Oh, the shame of it! People would give me looks when I went with Annie, probably wondering why I needed that lad mag when I already have a hot wife.

Now, after weeks of sex deprivation, I'm still not able to score with the wife. For our 9th anniversary last week, Annie bought a little something from Victoria's Secret and then refused to put out until the OK is given by the doctor. So please persuade her to cave in so I can have sexual relations with that woman.


[Bad news for Q.  Instructions from the clinic clearly state:  It is advised that you avoid intercourse and/or orgasm until your ultrasound appointment with your doctor around 6-8 weeks gestation if you have undergone in vitro fertilization.  So there! - Editor]

11 comments:

Meim said...

Please, oh please become a regular contributor to Annie's blog.

Hilarity!

And c'mon, Annie! That is a cute little "outfit". I'm sure it'll look great over the G's! =)

Anonymous said...

That's awesome! Thanks for the perspective of the other side. I know my hubby is not looking forward to this if we have to go this route...

My life said...

I love this post, thanks for the insight :). And tell Annie many congrats and prayers are still coming for that little bean to stay put!!!

(and I love the leopard print)

Cherbear said...

totally DITTOing Meim here!!! Hilarious!

Michael Jackson's beat it...LMAO!!!

Anonymous said...

Hahaha!! I love that you've contributed to Annie's blog -- I also vote that you continue to do so. :D Thanks so much for the guy's point-of-view with this whole IF business....gonna pass it on to my hubby for some giggles (and probably a lot of head nods).

Audrey said...

This is no good. I am giggling in my office and tears are streaming down my face.

Oak said...

I feel so much more at peace knowing the guy's perspective. When The Boy went to give his deposit, I figured the less I knew the better off I was but I've always been curious and am now going to have to ask for the story! Although we do like to pretend that Lucky was conceived on our "CYA" at home insemination the next day but chances are slim!

Shandrea said...

Loved this post. Love the humor in explaining and expressing your end of the deal. Like the others i'd love to hear more from you as well. Oh and Congrats on the numbers going up! I hope annie gets to wear that outfit for you soon.

jrs said...

glad the progesterone is up! thanks for the perspective Q.

CeCe said...

what a great post!

good news on the progesterone.

Negative Nelly said...

Fanfuckingtastic post!! Good luck with the VS :)