Monday, July 26, 2010

How We Got Here: IVF vs. Adoption

A few months ago when it looked like the end of the road for me, I was shocked to find that IVF was actually a possibility and that it was the least crazy of the few crazy options we had left. We have considered adoption and even filled out the first round of paperwork, but there were a few things about adoption that turned me back towards fertility treatment. Some of those things were discussed here.

One concern with adoption is that our kids would be a part of it to some degree as part of the home study process. I prefer to keep them oblivious of this whole drama. They have no knowledge of our ongoing fertility treatment, which we can do quietly in the background. However, with either option - adoption or fertility treatment - I'm afraid that spending years in the process could break us. That we'll lose the little truncated family we have right now. That instead of gaining another child, our two kids will lose us.

If we had unlimited time, money, and capacity for pain we would probably adopt a couple of kids from China. Q and I have both lived there. Hubby and our kids speak Chinese. It would make sense. But we don't have that kind of time, money, or stamina.

The advantages of IVF are that we can do it NOW and that this journey will end. It will END and maybe life will go on somehow. I feel like I've been stuck in hell for four years while the world has gone on around me. My kids are growing up and I'm partly here with them but also partly stuck in a shadowy world of death with their brothers. They deserve better than that. They need their mom to be fully present with them now, even if it means giving up hope of ever having the joy of a new addition for our family.

Obviously, the other advantage of IVF (if it works) is that we could end up with a baby - our baby - in our arms again. I want my baby and I want it ALIVE. Yeah, I'm picky like that. Wouldn't it be the perfect ending to our story? It would tie up all the loose ends and bind up all the gaping wounds.

Another plus for IVF is that I suspect it would be easier to explain to any resultant child than adoption. It would also be considerably more fun: "You see, honey, when a man and a specimen cup love each other VERY much...". I'm also guessing IVF kids wouldn't have long-term issues about where they came from, but I may be wrong about that (gametes from mom & dad?! Ewww!) -

So there you have it - that's why we're doing IVF. There's no divine inspiration involved in the decision, in case anyone is wondering. So we're going with this and hoping that our family will survive it and maybe even grow.


Lori said...

Bless your heart...I hate that you feel like you even have to justify it. As someone who's done both--well, not finalized because after a lot of time, heart and money, the country closed and we were STILL childless--I can honestly say that IVF--as difficult as it is--was easier than our adoption process. ALL our cycles combined were still easier. And honestly, I have always said that pregnancy was just a means to an end--with the ultimate goal of being a mom--I am so, so, so grateful I was given the blessing of pregnancy--twice. I wouldn't trade that for anything.

Knowing your family will survive and praying it enlarges too!!

wifey said...

I'm glad that you have reached a decision that works for you. I too am pursuing IVF right now after looking into adoption, mostly because I need to try everything before I give up.

Good luck to you!

Penny said...

Well, I never considered adoption so I don't have my own comparison list, but I absolutely fell in love with the idea that IVF would be a sharp line in the sand for me. The baby wait game would be OVER. I even started thinking positively about a life lived without an IVF baby. I nearly COMMITTED to it.

It's not so bad, IVF. The worst part by far is the mental games.

Jana said...

You are too funny. I loved the line "when a man and a specimen cup" LOL.

I am so hoping this IVF cycle will work and soon you will have a beautiful smiling, laughing baby in your arms.

Yes, the adoption process is a bit invasive. But I wonder how much they would interview your kids. Our guy talked to us, toured our home, then talked to us one on one. He talked to my hubby first, and pretty much said, the only reason we do this is b/c i want to talk to your wife and make sure she has dealt with her infertility. So they talked about basketball. Then when I talked to him we talked about infertility and how adopting doesn't cure infertility--which I already knew and am already dealing with. Just stuff to think about if you do someday after you get your little bundle of joy decide to adopt as well.

Thanks so much for your comment on my blog.

Kakunaa said...

When a man a specimen cup...LOL. awesome. That aside, it sounds like you have had a lot going on and have made some tough decisions. I hope that everything works out really well for you and I wish you the best of luck in your IVF cycle. Happy ICLW (#78).