Thursday, March 17, 2011

Walk the Line

I'm still very much in the Danger Zone with this pregnancy as I've noticed my losses and other women's similar losses tend to cluster right around the 19-20 week mark.  Today's ultrasound was very thorough.  Mei-mei's measurements are right on and the cord is looking good.  We confirmed that she is indeed a girl, which is good because I already gave all my boy clothes to my new twin nephews!  :)   Also we learned that Mei-mei has none of the markers that would indicate Down Syndrome or other chromosomal defects.

With each ultrasound that looks OK, it gets harder and harder to maintain the necessary balance between optimism and pessimism.  It's difficult to walk that line and not fall off painfully on either side of it when I'd love nothing more than to be over-the-moon happy about my baby girl.  But I just don't dare and probably won't dare until the day when (hopefully) she's in my arms alive.

Have you ever played that game "Baby If You Love Me, Smile"?  One person says that to another person and tries to get them to smile.  If they do smile or laugh then they are out.  That pretty much sums up how I feel about this pregnancy - like the moment I dare to just be outright joyful about it she will be snatched away from me.  So I'm doing my best to stick with a straight line for now.  Besides, people will get suspicious if I go around with a big grin on my face after being depressed for years.



It's been a good week overall and I'm glad to be past the 18w5d mark where Miles was born still.  Next big milestone: Jeremiah's 21 week mark.  My daughter's birthday party last weekend went very well.  On Sunday I even made her the big birthday dinner that she wanted - cream cheese wontons, lemon chicken, ham-fried rice, stir-fried veggies, AND chocolate cake made from scratch.  I really am amazingly functional sometimes!

13 comments:

Alex said...

Can I be happy? :) I'm so happy that you had another great ultrasound! I know this has to be so hard, watching and waiting for something bad to happen, and hoping for the best. I hope that in a couple weeks you'll be able to exhale with relief - a little... Sending you a hug!

Rian said...

Praying for you! I know you must feel like you are walking on eggshells and it's so hard to be happy with this pregnancy. I am praying that everything will progress like it should and that you will have a full-term,beautiful, healthy baby to fill your arms.

Cherbear said...

oh i Hate hate HATE that you can't just smile! I understand why you have fears. You're always in my prayers...

Thanks for your post, I can't find your email (I think I emailed you for my contest win a while back but I am a doofus and I can't find it) Not too complicated on the meds though, I'll be on menopur & follistim, trigger, and PIO (but I already have a trigger and the progesterone)...and medrol & antibiotic for retrieval time. :)

AFM said...

Pregnacy anxiety is aweful and robs us of so much enjoyment and bonding with the life within.I hope you find a way to keep the anxiety at bay to manage a tiny smile.
take care

Emily said...

This describes me exactly. Don't think about it, don't talk about it, don't plan for it. If I can just keep my poker face maybe death and devestation will just pass me right on by.

CeCe said...

Congrats on a good ultrasound. Sorry about the anxiety. Hope it subsides soon.

tishi said...

Its ok to feel however you need to feel. We will all be happy for you because we know this is something you really want and really deserve. When you feel ready to smile about it all, then you can. Until then you can just try to get from one US to the next, how you feel is totally understandable.

Shandrea said...

I am happy that things are going well. I will continue to pray for you. Sending you lots of HUGS ;O)

Teresa said...

I'm happy to hear you had another good ultrasound Annie. Playing poker face is hard. I hope you are able to get to a true genuine smile without fear soon. Hugs.

Jana said...

i feel the same way for you. You have gone through so much, it seems if i celebrate too soon everything will come crashing down around you.

glad the us went well. It must be so hard as you get close to the weeks when your previous losses occurred.

Thinking and praying for you and little Mei mei

Chelsea said...

I'm so glad to read that your 19th week sonogram went well! I know how you feel, you just don't want to get your hopes up, only to be let down again. She just has to be ok, it's your turn.

Anonymous said...

I'm so happy to hear things are going smoothly still. I think about you all the time and get excited (and worried) when you post. Hugs. This HAS to be the one.

The New Simons said...

Even though I've been really slack in responding to emails and checking blogs, I'm still following you and praying for you everyday. I can't wait to see the gloriously happy blog post in a few months... But for now, just take it day by day. You can do it! Xoxo