Friday, May 21, 2010

Hanging in There

Well, it was more bad news yesterday. The cyst is still there and at 2.7 cm is nearly as big as it was a month ago (2.9) and the prodding has made it painful again. The ultrasound was to be in the morning but got bumped to afternoon because of insurance issues. Our COBRA coverage is not officially in place yet, so we had to fork over $750 before I could be seen. We'll get it back, of course, once our coverage is official but in the meantime we're hemorrhaging money, causing even more stress.

Any IVF efforts are officially delayed. This could be a good thing - maybe things will be less stressful in a month or so? There I go hoping again. I try to tell myself not to be so stupid as to hope. It only makes things harder.

It was lucky, I guess, that the ultrasound was delayed because I was able to keep it together during the psychologist visit in the morning. The hour appointment with her wasn't long enough to cover everything (she says we have an awfully lot going on right now. Gee, d'ya think?) so we had to schedule another for next week.

These are both rather small items of bad news but it's terribly frustrating to be unable to plan anything in my life. Not just IF treatment, but anything since I've also developed another very painful medical problem that makes it difficult even to walk sometimes. I wish I could just get a new body from the waist down. All this stress is bringing on scary and very frequent heart palpitations and also shortness of breath. In short, I am a total wreck. So is my house and I've been physically unable to get it in order.

A few years ago (before the losses) I had a small but intensely painful wound that could not heal because it tore open again nearly every day for fifteen months. That is how I see my life now - never being able to heal or move on because my wounds are constantly being ripped open again. It would help tremendously if I could just know that life will someday be more than just pain. I don't even get a chance to recover or even catch my breath after each painful blow before I have to deal with another and another and another. For now, I'm just trying to hang in there. Sorry, gallows humor is the only kind I can manage today!


Rachel said...

My dear. I'm so sorry for all the blows you seem to be receiving. I wish there was a way to find a way to block the blows, or better yet, have them cease all together. Much love to you...and many ((hugs)).

CeCe said...

I'm sorry that you have not had better news as of late. Sending positive wishes your way that things are looking up SOON!

Thank you for the info on Webster Technique... I am going to look into it!

Jana said...

Thank you for you comment on my blog, it helped. I am sorry to hear about your medical problems. And that IVF is delayed. :( I enjoyed your "gallows humor"

Thinking of you.