Wednesday, January 5, 2011

High Anxiety

Today is the four year anniversary of Jeremiah being born still.  No doubt this is contributing to a rather bad patch of anxiety lately.  Some of my symptoms have lessened a bit (boobs not as sore, nausea not quite as bad) and that always triggers a freak-out. Also, even though I am absolutely thrilled to be pregnant, my guts are hating it.  Obviously, any organ in the pelvic area that engages in violent behaviour also triggers a freak-out, so I am a wreck. Never mind that this has happened before and everything has been fine.  Never mind that it's logical for symptoms to wane now that my progesterone/estradiol dosages have been reduced.  I've set up an ultrasound appointment at the fertility clinic for Friday because I just can't take this anymore. Hopefully it will put my mind at ease so I can be a more pleasant person over the weekend.

Sadly I always think in terms of if with this pregnancy, but if the little one is still alive and well then my first appointment at the high-risk clinic is next week on Thursday.  First an ultrasound, then meeting with the genetic counselor (which I predict will be utterly pointless), and then we'll meet with the OB. 

Today a lady from my insurance company called trying to get me enrolled in their Healthy Pregnancy program:

Her: "Congratulations!  We received information that you're expecting!" 
Me: "No, I do not think that's the word I would use." (I really hate that word.)
Her: (slightly flustered) "Oh, but you're pregnant right?"
Me; "Well, yes, if nothing's gone wrong since last week."

She then proceeded to explain the benefits of the program: There's a small financial incentive for participating.  I would receive a sappy info packet full of information I've known for years and pictures of happy normal pregnant women who are clearly not at all worried that their babies will die.  I would get phone calls from cheerful nurses at various points along the way to help me with any concerns.  I'm pretty sure my concerns and questions will be above their pay grade. Thanks, but no thanks.

I'm just trying to make it one day at a time, but some days seem so loooooong!!  For now my coping strategy involves procrastination.  I will take it easy instead of doing housework, balancing the checkbook, and all other tasks that need doing:

Somehow, I have to keep my tenuous grip on sanity for one more day, and then hopefully I'll get some good news to see me through the next week.  Hey, I'm feeling pretty ill all of a sudden!  Woohoo!!  I'm off to get a snack and will report back on Friday.  In the meantime, say hi and tell me a bit about yourself if you haven't before.  It's International Blog Delurking Week!


My life said...

Let me guess, do you have Aetna?

I like you thought in terms of "if" with my entire pregnancy. Then I decided that if I spent every day in worry, I would look back at the end of this pregnancy and regret that I didn't enjoy it. It took a while but I got there. I will pray for that for you.

As far as redirecting your attention, perhaps now it's time to put that leopard thing on from a few posts back. And forget for a moment that you have anything to worry about, or at least before your belly is to big :) It will at least take your husbands mind off of things :)

Anonymous said...

Delurking - I'm a Tasmanian who is currently 8 weeks after a cycle with an anonymous ovum donor; my son was born too early just over a year ago at 14 weeks 2 days. So I'm certainly if-ing my way through life now too.

Cherbear said...

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE that procrastination shot! LOL I am praying that everything is going to go perfect for you. *sigh* I really wish you didn't have to go through the anxiety of it all. But I certainly understand your reason for worry.

oh btw, MY LIFE, I have that what I can expect from them?

Rachel said...

Is it too sad to admit that I still say "if" with even as far along as I am? So I think you are justified and you obviously just care and love deeply. Thinking of you.

Jana said...

Thinking of you and little Jeremiah. Hope the US puts your mind at ease for a little while. I'm sure if I were in your situation I would spend a lot of time thinking "if" as well.
Take care

Lizzy said...

Thinking of you and I am sorry that this is such a stressful time!

Anonymous said...

Not too sure how I came across your blog site, but have "lurked" for a while now. I am a maternal-newborn clinical instructor and therefore find blogs, such as yours, interesting. The difficulties you have faced in the past with your pregnancies are unlike the ones I have seen in this geographic area. So from a nursing professional, I find your journey "interesting" for lack of another term at this moment.
You are in my thoughts and prayers each pregnant day and in days of mothering to come.
West Virginia

Suzy said...

I said "if" until 5 minutes AFTER my boy was born! I really didnt believe it would all be ok until then. So I certainly know how you feel. I hope and pray that everything will work out for you and your little occupant :)

CeCe said...

Ugh, the anxiety. Wishing you all the best to keep it in check and hope you may enjoy your pregnancy as much as possible.

Anonymous said...

My daughter was stillborn at 24 weeks (Dec 2010) -- I am certainly scared and anxious for the next pregancy. However, I was very guarded during this pregnancy due to two early losses (5-6wks) and that is what I regret most. I regret that I didn't enjoy & celebrate every minute that Charlotte was in our lives.