Sunday, November 14, 2010

In the Closet

First, a cycle update:  Today is Day Six of stims and the first ultrasound.  There are seven follicles between 10 and 16 mm.  This appears to be a great improvement over last cycle, which had just two measurable follicles at this point.  I wonder, though, if one or two of these are actually shrunken endometriomas?  One definite endometrioma is at 2.7 cm.  Sure wish I didn't have this confounding factor to deal with this time around.  Trigger is projected to be on Tuesday, after just seven days of stims.  That's three days shorter than last cycle.  As always, I'm wondering if that's a good thing or a bad thing.  More appointments tomorrow and Tuesday.  Until then, I'm trying not to obsess about everything too much (ha - too late!).  And I'm definitely not talking about it anywhere but here.

I've never been very public (in real life, at least) about my infertility.  It's easier to keep it quiet with secondary infertility.  Plus, since I've had two late losses, I imagine many people think I've just given up.  So for this IVF cycle, I've decided to go with a strict Don't Tell policy, except with a few family members and geographically distant friends.  I'm just trying to prevent the news from getting out in my immediate circle so I don't have to deal with unexpected questions and comments when I'm out pretending to be a normal person.

I wish I didn't have to lock myself away in the infertility closet, but it's just not worth the effort and aggravation of being "out".  I'm not willing to risk platitudes, stupid comments, judgment, and gossip.  I know that being "out" can help others better understand the difficulties of infertility and how to be more sensitive towards those who struggle with it, but I'm too beaten down to care. 

How about you?  To what extent are you in the infertility closet?  Do you try to help others understand what infertility and/or loss is like?  Do you want family and "real life" friends reading your blog or do you try to limit readership to others in the loss/infertility community? 

None of my local friends and acquaintances know of this blog (except other local bloggers I've met - Hi girls!).  I aim to keep it that way.  If everyone around me knew, I imagine that blogging about such intensely personal matters would begin to feel something like this:


Jana said...

you are hilarious, where do you find these pictures?

I didn't worry about educating people when I was emotionally vested in the infertility treatments. It was just too much to take on.

And sometimes when people who knew about my infertility would later on ask "how are things going?" "trying anymore?" "going to adopt?" I would just completely lie and say nope, and I don't feel like talking about it (that wasn't a lie) but It was what I needed to do for myself at the time.

glad to hear good news on the follie front.

Nick and Kristi said...

That pic is so Funny:) Well Im fully out of the closet....and with this blog anyone and everyone can have acess to it and I have found it to be very helpful and very educating to people:) Because I dont think people really understood what we have been through until they have read it on the blog....and honestly there is so much on my blog that the only people that really follow is the one that really care because otherwise there is just to much on it to keep up with...not one of those things where people can come and poc around for 10min....and since blogging this way it has completely eliminated the dumb comments from family and friends....and it has also eliminated people asking me about our business because they will just read the blog:) But I can see how you would want to keep things private....Everyone is different so you just have to do what is best for you:) Take care!!! and glad the follies are coming along

Anonymous said...

I am most certainly IN the closet in every way possible. Secondary IF like yourself, people just assume we dont want anymore kids and I let them think that. Though the inconsiderate assholes who say things like " you are doing a disservice to your little girl by not giving her a sibling" make we want to club them over the head. I think there is a very valid point on education, but I also think that for me, that can happen later. Whether I succeed at having a second child or not, in a few years or a decade or 2, I will be removed from the pain and able to talk about it and 'educate'. Right now my pain, my privacy and my life choices need to be protected. I and my families feelings come first. The gossip and questions can be brutal, I hope you find your silence brings you some peace. Good luck!

Lizzy said...

Ha, GREAT pic! I am glad things are looking good for this cycle. I struggle every day with being "in the closet." I have tried to be open with people who support us and show us how much they love and care for us. However, as things start to get "complicated" they often don't understand. I'll get questions like "well why dont the doctors just do this?" But they don't understand the severity and medical aspect of things.

Wishing you the best! Sending baby prayers your way!

Cherbear said...

I'm totally with you in the infertility/treatment closet. I like how "Onetokeep" put it:
"I think there is a very valid point on education, but I also think that for me, that can happen later. Whether I succeed at having a second child or not, in a few years or a decade or 2, I will be removed from the pain and able to talk about it and 'educate'. Right now my pain, my privacy and my life choices need to be protected. " ~~ Aside from the part about the 2nd child, since I am still trying for my first, this is my exact feelings on this. I do have fears sometimes, that my family may find my blog.
Recently I posted about how I'm definitely not ready to tell yet but once we finally do get pregnant and are ready to make a pregnancy announcement, we will make it known about our struggles.

Emily said...

I laughed out loud when I saw that picture. It's exactly the way one feels when trying to get pregnant when everyone else seems to be able to do so successfully. Kind of like the only one walking around with your clothes off. Allowing everyone to see your squishy bits that you'd rather keep covered. I'm not 'hiding' my blog per say, but I'm not advertising it either.
Thanks for the laugh today!

heartincharge said...

I am kinda in/kinda out but I have primary infertility so people ask a lot more.
I let people know that I am not childless by choice and that is my education piece. But I don't let them know about my surgery and procedures and IVF and how far things have really gotten.

Anonymous said...

Haha! Great photo.

And I am definitely in the closet for the most part, and right now, it bugs me. I hate that no one around me talks about it, even though they know. I suppose it's better than people saying stupid things though. Why are people so stupid anyways?