Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Strike One

Forgive me for going incommunicado this past week. I have been too depressed for words. On Thursday of last week, just five days after my embryo transfer, a Sense of Impending Doom descended and would not disperse no matter what I did. It was far too early to tell whether the IVF had worked or not, yet somehow I knew that my little embryos had died. It's finally official with today's beta.

When Jeremiah died, I felt death come for him but dismissed the feeling as silly paranoia. When Miles died I knew it but didn't want to believe it. When I called the clinic they were very dismissive of my worries, but a few days later my worst fear was confirmed. Even with my last loss - a very early loss cruelly termed a "chemical" pregnancy - I felt the same unshakeable and crushing darkness suddenly descend just before I got the beta results showing I was pregnant. It's a macabre sixth sense. Have I developed such an intimate relationship with death as to feel its cold hand accutely even when it comes to snatch something so tiny as my embryos?

I feel like Death has me in, well, a death grip. It stalks and kills any small hopes I try to cling to. It makes me despair of ever escaping this darkness. It follows me wherever I go. It leaves me dark shadows where laughing children should have been.

Since my doctor is gone this week, there was no discussion of how to proceed from here. I suppose the plan is to plow ahead and do IVF two more times. Sure, maybe I could actually get pregnant, but then what? It's hard to see much hope in this. I feel possessed by death such that every new life that tries to grow in me is already infected with death even before it really has a chance to begin.


14 comments:

jrs said...

Annie,

I am so so sorry for your loss and the sadness and grief you are experiencing during this time. I wish there was something I could do or say to help you feel better.

Just know that I am thinking of you and your family.

((hugs))

Erica said...

Oh no...I am so sorry! I can't even imagine what you are feeling. Many many warm ((HUGS)) to you...

belle said...

i'm so , so sorry. (((((hugs)))))

landert said...

I'm so sorry Annie! Thoughts and prayers with you!

The New Simons said...

I'm in tears for you, Annie. I'm sure you are experiencing a whole new sort of grief with this, as well as dredging up "older" grief for your beautiful angel babies. I don't know what to say. Sorry doesn't seem like enough. But please don't give up on this. Death surely has not made his stake on you.

Wishing you moments of peace, strength and clarity. Thinking about you and your family. Xoxo

Bethanie said...

praying for you!

Lori said...

I'm so, so sorry Annie...I know there really are no words because there's just a multitude of various feelings and emotions you are going through and no way to really appropriately address any of them save to let you know how sad my heart is for you and how I am lifting you up.

I'm just so sorry and wish I had something better to say.
My thoughts and prayers are with you...

Nick and Kristi said...

Im so sorry to hear this news...gosh things just need to work out for you:)....I would suggest Lovenox next cycle....I know chemical losses can be because of blood flow and other reasons and that Lovenox is proven to help...hang in there girlie:)

CeCe said...

I am so very sorry. Hugs and prayers to you.

Baby On Mind said...

Annie, I'm so sorry. I was praying and hoping this cycle would be it for you. Hang in there!

Shandrea said...

Sending you hugs and prayers. Praying that this heaviness of death lifts from your spirit and is replace with hope.

Angie said...

Tons of Hugs to you Annie. I will keep you in my thoughts!!!

Meim said...

I am sorry that I didn't comment sooner, when I first read your post, but I wasn't quite sure what to say.

I am so sorry. I really wish it would have turned out better for you. I think this is one of those situation where "perfect words" don't exist.

I am thinking of you, and praying my hardest. Love you, Girly!

Suzy said...

I am so so sorry to hear this news. I too knew the very minute my boy died. Its something I think some of us can just "feel"/
Thinking of you