Tuesday, June 8, 2010

What If This Is As Good As It Gets?

What if this is as good as it gets? This is a terrifying thought, especially after yesterday's follow-up visit with the counselor at the fertility clinic. I was expecting to clear this last hurdle and move on to IVF. Instead she says she needs to meet with a committee consisting of doctors and another counselor to decide if it's "ethical" for us to proceed because my levels of depression and worry are above the norm. Duh. Who among us could endure such an abnormal period of pain and loss and still maintain a normal level of cheerfulness and optimism?

My future is in the hands of people who I feel do not have a complete understanding of the situation. I'm so distraught over this! What to do? Perhaps send very clear and concise letter for their consideration?

The counselor waited until the very end of the hour to drop this bomb on us. I had only a few minutes to make my case for proceeding and although I believe it was well-reasoned and well-made, I do not believe she truly listened or understood.

I explained that waiting is the very reason for most of the worry and depression for the past couple of years! It's been 2 1/2 years since we started "trying" again. In that time we've tried for 13 cycles - 6 natural cycles followed by 7 treatment cycles (Clomid, then Follistim). For the other 1 1/2 years I've been on The Pill waiting - waiting for appointments, waiting for tests, and mostly waiting for cysts to resolve. I've spent ten of those waiting months in constant pain because of large cysts, which has led to anxiety about losing my only ovary and with it any chance we may have to complete our family. It could happen anytime - I want to use it before I lose it! I feel I am waiting away both the potential life of a child who could complete our family and my own life. Additionally, all this extremely stressful waiting adversely effects my ability to fully enjoy the life and family I do have.

The months spent trying have been much easier to cope with than the months spent waiting. It is frightening to think that this last chance could be snatched away after I've invested so much blood and treasure in seeing this through to the end. At least when I'm able to try, I am moving closer to the final resolution of this problem. All the stresses involved with infertility treatment are relatively easy to deal with compared to the paralysis of waiting. Win or lose, I need closure so I can put down the burden of infertility and move on!!! Waiting means more aging (I'm 35 in November) and thus more expense ($3K more), vastly more out-of-pocket expense if we don't end up with great insurance, more cysts, more pain, and more possibility of losing my ovary altogether and ending up with a lifetime of regrets. Waiting adds up to more stress, not less!

I need to know I've tried everything I can - whether I end up with a baby or not. Especially since painful endometriosis and cysts mean that I face a lot of pain in my future and very possibly also drastic and destructive treatments. I cannot imagine being able to cope with the pain, depression, sterility, and nasty side effects of more surgeries (hysterectomy? oophorectomy?) or harsh drugs (early menopause with Lupron?) unless I first exhaust all possibilities for completing my family. Pregnancy could give me a baby AND put endometriosis in remission! This is a no-brainer!

Also it would be very helpful if we could at least get the drugs for the first cycle and if necessary aspirate my current small cyst while we still have stellar insurance that covers all of this! Hubby has four job interviews this week (YAY!) but once he gets another job we may end up with no infertility coverage (BOO!).

Their decision about my life will be announced on June 18. I think this will be the most difficult 2 week wait I have ever faced.


Rachel said...

Yes, lots of waiting for you. So sorry. Hoping the interviews go well for your husband, and i'll be thinking of you as the date for the announcement approaches. ((hugs))

Me said...

Oh, I am so sorry! That completely sucks! Maybe you could revise this blog post into letter form and send it to them. I hope everything works out, and good luck! (to the hubs, too!)

CeCe said...

The waiting makes it so hard. I personally feel it relieves the worry/depression to move forward with treatment and know you are taking steps toward your goal. My thoughts go out to you!

Meim said...

That seems completely unfair. A couple of sessions with a counselor is hardly enough to make such a huge decision on your behalf. How is THAT ethical?

I'm so sorry that you have to wait even longer. I can completely understand your frustration. I'm here if you ever need to chat/vent about any part of it!

belle said...

sending you (((((hugs))))).

btw- i just lost my daughter to a cord issue (knotted).

Bionic Baby Mama said...

ARGH! I can relate to the frustration (too weak a word) of dealing with psychologists who seem to think they are somehow more qualified to run your life than you are. I get that fertility factories think they should provide their patients with people who can help with all the emotional roller-coaster business, but somehow these nitwits see themselves as gatekeepers to treatment instead. Can you IMAGINE if any other health issue was dealt with this way? ARGH!

amy said...

Hi, here from lfca. I don't know your whole story but it sounds like a letter would be helpful- something tangible this "committee" could all read instead of relying on the counselor's opinions. Could it also help to have letters from others stating that you're loving and functional and not some crazy crackpot? It's infuriating that they can make a monumental life decision for you with so little information...I'm sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else!

Jana said...

so sorry to hear about this latest hurdle. I agree with the other comments, write a letter. maybe use some of the material you used here.

i will be crossing my fingers for you.