Tuesday, April 13, 2010

A Moment of Peace

For years now I've felt that I'm stuck in a nightmare and cannot wake up. I'm sure many of you can relate! In all that time I can never remember feeling even a moment of peace, until last week when paradoxically, I escaped the nightmare very briefly in my dreams.

I dreamt I'd had boy/girl twins through IVF and was holding them while hubby and our two kids David and Tania stood close by. I remember thinking how astonishing it was that the tremendous weight of recent years was lifted so completely and I felt perfectly at peace. I didn't think this was possible after everything that's happened. And then I woke up to my nightmare again.

I would do anything....anything!...to make that peace a reality. I know lots of people think my rainbow-baby-chasing is crazy, for which reason I rarely mention my efforts anymore to anyone in the "real world". You may call me crazy if you wish, but to quote Lance Armstrong, "We have two options, medically and emotionally: give up, or Fight Like Hell."

Lest anyone suggest this dream was some kind of vision or premonition, I can assure you that it was not. It was no doubt inspired by photos we recently received of my sister-in-law's new IVF boy/girl twins. Also because if I could pick a perfect ending to our story, boy/girl twins would be my ideal.

The very next night I dreamt that we did IVF and got a reasonable number of eggs considering my lone ovary. They fertilized at the expected rate, but all died before they could be transferred. We were told that all my eggs were rotten and never to try again. Surprisingly this one made me feel no worse than I feel already, which I suppose only goes to show how low I've been for so long.

It's interesting to note that I almost NEVER remember my dreams - in fact maybe only once a year, but this time I vividly remembered two in a row. Too bad they cancel each other out - I could use a vision just about now to tell me what to do. I don't wish to brutalize myself or my family by pursuing further treatment if it will be all for naught (or worse - further loss and trauma), but neither do I wish to be stuck in a nightmare forever if there is any hope of waking up.


CeCe said...

I love the LA quote.

Hope you find your peace..

Meim said...

I'm sorry. Dreams can be so cruel. It is so sad that the only time we get to hold our babies is in our sleep. It definitely makes it even hard to get out of bed.

I pray for the best for you. I hope you have more happy dreams, and that you get your rainbow babies soon.