How Firm a Foundation

I've been a very lazy blogger of late.  With the kids out of school, there's little down time (my doctor told me "take it easy and rest more" - ha!) and I have a horrible cold on top of it.  Demon portals are feeling better though, so that certainly helps.  Gratitude to all that offered assvice on my last post. (Get a load of that assonance!)

News was good at my latest appointment.  Mei-mei's guesstimated weight at 32 weeks is 4 1/2 pounds, putting her in the 67th percentile!  She also got a perfect score on the Biophysical Profile and Non-Stress tests.  Going forward, appointments will be Tuesdays and Fridays.  It's nice to have bi-weekly reassurance that Mei-mei is doing well, but stressful too since we have crappy insurance and the bills pile up.

On Friday I went shopping for nursing bras.  This is by far the boldest act of hope I have taken during this pregnancy.  It feels dangerously hopeful, but I figure things are looking great for Mei-mei and I don't want to get caught bra-less once she arrives.  Also, my cups runneth over and there's no way I'm wasting money on giant new non-nursing bras that I hopefully won't have use for once baby arrives.

I looked in the foundation garments section of several large stores and the selection was disappointing.  Everything was flimsy, too small, and hideously unattractive.

I was hoping to find some industrial strength bras with room to grow.  What I ended up with were two double D's that are barely adequate now, but it will have to do.  Until I'm 100% sure I'll be lucky enough to need them,  I'm not prepared to invest any more effort in finding firmer foundation garments.   

Demon Portals

This week's appointment was changed to today, so I'm past 31 weeks now. Next Thursday at 32 weeks we'll check Mei-mei's growth again.  From now on appointments will be twice a week for 20-minute Non-Stress Tests (NST).  This is to monitor baby's heart rate and any contractions.  A Bio-Physical Profile (BPP) will also be done at the weekly ultrasounds.  This measures fluid level, muscle tone, movement, and breathing motions.  Mei-mei passed both tests today with a score of 10 out of 10.

This week I finally emailed my parents and officially told them NOT to visit after Mei-Mei is born.  This has caused a bit of extra drama in my very dysfunctional family, but I stand by my decision.  It's just not a good idea to invite separated spouses to a party together.  Especially when one of them is crazy.  I've learned that my mother actually thinks there are five demon portals in her house.  So that's how those wily demons keep getting in!

Yesterday was my kids' last day of school.  We have no family around to help us, so it will be tricky juggling all my appointments and their baseball, T-ball, swimming, and tennis classes.  Add in trying to make them do their jobs and things can get pretty stressful around here.  Q and I were joking yesterday that it seems our piano has a demon portal in it.  When I try to get the kids to practice, they both act like they're possessed.

And while we're on the subject, I seem to be plagued with two demon portals myself - one with a yeast infection and another with hemorrhoids.  (How's that for a segue?)  The first can be dealt with fairly easily but the second has me seriously bummed and even somewhat panicked.  If it's this bad now, what sort of hell do I have to look forward to after Mei-mei makes her grand exit?  After David was born, I was unable to walk at times until I had surgery at six months postpartum.  After Tania I was in misery, though more functional, until she was 15 months old!  This problem doesn't get much press.  It is ugly what can happen to your poorly designed undercarriage when you push a baby out.  But it's all worth it in the end.

"There's no room for demons when you're self-possessed." ~Carrie Fisher

Fat Bottomed Girl

Annie was a slacker last week and never got around to posting, but all is still well.  Mei-mei is at 30 weeks now and there are absolutely no signs of trouble.  Annie actually went out and bought a few more maternity clothes, including a two-piece swimsuit for the first time ever!  Sadly, it's a very modest two-piece swimsuit, but at least it doesn't look anything like this:

We often celebrate after good appointments by eating rich French pastries at a local bakery.  So far, Annie has put on 30+ pounds and I am a happy man. She is a Fat Bottomed Girl that makes my rockin' world go round (love Queen - great song!).  Bellies are also just damn sexy!  Here are the mud flaps I'd have if I owned a truck:

We are thinking of having maternity photos taken soon since we've never done that before and this pregnancy is our last chance.  If you know any good photographers in the Minneapolis area, let us know. We just don't want them looking like these!!!!

Well that is about it! Thank goodness it's summer! I can finally see more of Annie's rear and belly without the extra layers of clothes.

War and Peace

Mei-mei is 28 weeks today!  Her growth is looking good - she is at the 49th percentile and is about 2 1/2 pounds.  Average.  Normal.  This is such wonderful news!  The joy of this pregnancy is now outweighing the anxiety and I am loving it!

Last week's 27 week post was up for only a few hours before Blogger crashed, taking the post with it.  It was a very happy post about Mei-mei and about more wonderful news I received that day, which was that my suicidal brother was finally getting some help.  That part turned out not to be true and I was too bummed about it to revise the post, so I just left it down.  My bro has started eating again and is no longer in imminent danger, but he remains with our mother who still thinks his dysfunctional state is the result of demon possession.  I don't know how anyone could live in that house and NOT be suicidal.  My parents are separated (another tragic tale!), which is making it damn near impossible for my brother to get real help or be extricated from this mess.

It's terribly stressful and tragic watching the family I grew up in at war and disintegrating.  At the same time, it's such a joy to see my own little family finding peace and even growing after surviving some very dark years!

The Girls

My daughter drew this picture today of herself and me with Mei-mei in my belly

Mother Mother

Good news again!  Cord and blood flow still looking great for Mei-mei at 26 weeks!  Our whole family is just SO excited about Mei-mei!  Each Thursday when I pick my kids up from school they ask how Mei-mei's appointment went.  And they always remember to pray that she will grow safe and strong.

Quite some time ago, I had talked to Dr. Collins in Louisiana about his home monitoring program for moms who have lost babies to cord problems.  He'd said the earliest I could do that is 26 weeks.  I have looked into it, but I think I will pass.  "WHY?!" you may ask. Well, Dr. Collins and the doctors at the perinatology clinic all agree that things look perfectly fine.  Also doing this would require a solo trip to Louisiana and quite a bit of money.  I feel that the care I'm getting now is adequate for the situation.  Thankfully, this pregnancy is high risk only because of my past history and not because of any current concerns.

With each passing week, I get a little less anxious and the idea of bringing home a live baby seems a little more real.  In fact, I think we may go shopping for a nice recliner or rocker.  Our old uncomfortable rocking chair just will not do for what I'm hoping will be many happy hours spent holding Mei-mei.

Also this week, like it or not, is Mother's Day.  It can be rough for a lot of people - people who are infertile, people who have lost children, people who have lost their mothers, mothers who feel like they can't live up to all the idealism, etc. For me, this Mother's Day is both happy (for obvious reasons!) and sad since I'm still not on speaking terms with my mother.  I have a feeling there is going to be some ugly drama once Mei-mei shows up and creates a reason for a family gathering.  On the upside, I'm learning more about what NOT to do as a mother.  Hopefully I won't screw things up so badly that my kids won't speak to me when they're older!

  

Even though I don't feel like it and also don't much care for the sickening sweetness and commercialism of Mother's Day, I shall try to fulfill my societal obligations and send a little something to my mom:

Mother mother how's the family?

I'm just calling to say hello.
How's the weather? how's my father?
Am I lonely? heavens no.
Mother mother are ya listening? just a phone call to ease your mind.
Life is perfect, never better, distance making the heart grow fond.

(Tracy Bonham)

Hoping

I'm posting a little late this time, but it's all still good here.  Thursday we hit 25 weeks and Mei-mei's blood flow is still looking good on ultrasound.  They don't check her growth as often as I'd like - the next growth scan is scheduled for early June!  I'm a bit paranoid about growth since my first son had IUGR (growth restriction).

It's been strange being "out" as pregnant now.  I kind of miss being able to keep it secret and control who knew and who didn't.  Sometimes I'm not quite sure how to respond to some of the commentary from friends and acquaintances.  The one comment that bothers me most and really chips away at my sanity is this:  "Oh, you look so small!"   Is it supposed to be a compliment?  I heard this one a lot years ago when I was pregnant with my older kids and it really bugged me then.  I was too small because they were too small!  And now after multiple losses this comment bugs me even MORE!!

Then last night I got this one - "Poor thing!  You'll have to be pregnant most of the summer!"  I just wanted to laugh.  First of all this is Minnesota, not the equator!  Being warm will be nice for a change. I would love nothing more than to be pregnant for most of the summer.  Bring on the heat - I'm thrilled to have this opportunity!  No matter how hot it gets, you'll never hear a whisper of complaint from me.

I often get asked if I'm feeling sick or having other complications.  I usually say "No, but it's a lot of stress since I'm high-risk."  Then I get the old, "Don't worry.  Just think positive and everything will be fine!"  Soooo annoying and also not true.  I was much less worried with my previous pregnancies and those babies still died.  I'm much more worried this time, but everything is looking much better!  How could anyone go through what I've been through and NOT worry?  Of course it's been hard to "be positive" about this pregnancy (though it gets easier with each week) but I resent any implication that I must see only sunshine. I feel lectured and looked down upon because my level of optimism doesn't meet expectations, when the very fact that I dared try again after so much loss AND infertility shows tremendous optimism and tenacity. I mean, give me a little credit!

Even just hearing "Congratulations!" is weird for me.  How do I respond to that?  Congratulations feel so premature.  I just say "thank you" of course, but it doesn't feel right.  Most people see a pregnant belly and just automatically assume a happy ending.  I know all too well that it doesn't always happen that way.  I can never just assume that again - not for myself or anyone else.  When people comment that I'm "expecting", I usually correct them: "Not expecting.  Hoping."

Never expect!  Only hope!  That's not wrong, to hope.  -The Joy Luck Club

Who's That Girl?

Mei-mei is now 24 weeks along.  Supposedly viable, but hopefully she'll keep baking until at least July.  Today's appointment was short and sweet.  The doctor used my favorite word: normal.  Everything is looking normal!!

Also this week I finally quit procrastinating and went to the dentist for a checkup.  Alas, one small cavity but it can wait a few more months.  I've been naughty, waiting almost a full year between checkups.  It's just that it's been so nice for a change not having any medical-type person messing with any of my orifices.

And finally, Q and I have gotten more serious about thinking of a proper name for Mei-mei  - her nickname for now means "little sister" in Chinese.  We are having trouble and could use suggestions!  I named our first daughter after my sister, so now it is Q's turn to pick a name and I am scared.  He doesn't have any he's really passionate about, but tends to like names that were popular in the 70's among our age group and I hate them all. My own name is a 70's Top Ten and I have never liked it.  My parents, who'd been sure I was a boy,  picked it last-minute after I was born.  There is no cool story or special meaning behind it and I think that is so lame.

Mei-mei has quite a story behind her existence and she needs a great name.  Here are our criteria:

* Uncommon but not weird
* At least two syllables because our last name is one syllable
* Preference for names reflecting our ancestry (Britain, Germany, Denmark) or places we've lived (Greece, Russia, China)
* In case she hates the name we choose, I want it to be something versatile that gives her several other options to choose from - short forms, nicknames, or a good middle name
* I really want Mei-mei to have a name that has special meaning reflecting the situation.  It's been a long hard fight to get here.  I can't find any names that mean "against all odds" or "from the petri dish", so maybe something meaning "joy out of sorrow", "miracle", or something similar.  Q doesn't care as much about the meaning of the name.

So far we don't have much to work with.  Here are a few names we came up with years ago, pre-losses and infertility:

Larissa - cheerful (Greek)
Lydia - from Lydia (Greek)  but this name has gotten too common for my tastes

Q's list so far:
Lorraine - from Lorraine (French)
Jana - Slavic variant of Jane, God is gracious

A's list so far:
Anastasia - resurrection (Greek)  I like this name especially for the meaning.  After much tragedy and sudden death in the family (our two baby boys and my brother) having this new life feels like a resurrection.  It can be shortened to Anya or Stacia.  It has several other diminutive forms I like less (such as Annie!) but the point is that there are lots of options for a girl with this name.

Any thoughts on our short list so far?  Other suggestions welcome!