Saturday, April 30, 2011


I'm posting a little late this time, but it's all still good here.  Thursday we hit 25 weeks and Mei-mei's blood flow is still looking good on ultrasound.  They don't check her growth as often as I'd like - the next growth scan is scheduled for early June!  I'm a bit paranoid about growth since my first son had IUGR (growth restriction).

It's been strange being "out" as pregnant now.  I kind of miss being able to keep it secret and control who knew and who didn't.  Sometimes I'm not quite sure how to respond to some of the commentary from friends and acquaintances.  The one comment that bothers me most and really chips away at my sanity is this:  "Oh, you look so small!"   Is it supposed to be a compliment?  I heard this one a lot years ago when I was pregnant with my older kids and it really bugged me then.  I was too small because they were too small!  And now after multiple losses this comment bugs me even MORE!!

Then last night I got this one - "Poor thing!  You'll have to be pregnant most of the summer!"  I just wanted to laugh.  First of all this is Minnesota, not the equator!  Being warm will be nice for a change. I would love nothing more than to be pregnant for most of the summer.  Bring on the heat - I'm thrilled to have this opportunity!  No matter how hot it gets, you'll never hear a whisper of complaint from me.

I often get asked if I'm feeling sick or having other complications.  I usually say "No, but it's a lot of stress since I'm high-risk."  Then I get the old, "Don't worry.  Just think positive and everything will be fine!"  Soooo annoying and also not true.  I was much less worried with my previous pregnancies and those babies still died.  I'm much more worried this time, but everything is looking much better!  How could anyone go through what I've been through and NOT worry?  Of course it's been hard to "be positive" about this pregnancy (though it gets easier with each week) but I resent any implication that I must see only sunshine. I feel lectured and looked down upon because my level of optimism doesn't meet expectations, when the very fact that I dared try again after so much loss AND infertility shows tremendous optimism and tenacity. I mean, give me a little credit!

Even just hearing "Congratulations!" is weird for me.  How do I respond to that?  Congratulations feel so premature.  I just say "thank you" of course, but it doesn't feel right.  Most people see a pregnant belly and just automatically assume a happy ending.  I know all too well that it doesn't always happen that way.  I can never just assume that again - not for myself or anyone else.  When people comment that I'm "expecting", I usually correct them: "Not expecting.  Hoping."

Never expect!  Only hope!  That's not wrong, to hope.  -The Joy Luck Club


Alex said...

I love the way you describe yourself as hoping, not expecting. Rather presumptuous of those of us with loss or even knowing what can go wrong to expect anything, isn't it? All we can do is hope - love this. So glad to hear everything is looking good!

Meim said...

I am sooo with you! I almost smacked one of DH's cousins today. Not only was she trying to paint this horrible picture of what the rest of my pregnancy will be like ("You are just going to be miserable! August is the hottest month of the year!"), but she also - without warning - grabbed my belly WITH BOTH HANDS! I swear... if looks could kill...

I hate, hate, hate, when people call me out about being pregnant. I'm thinking of making a shirt that says, "If I wanted to talk about it, I'd bring it up. Oh, AND HANDS OFF!" If I actually do it, I'd be happy to send you one! =)

CeCe said...

So glad all is going well with the pregnancy. Subsequent/high-risk pregnancy is so hard. Your feelings totally make sense. Thinking of you & Mei Mei!!

Jana said...

That is a great way to view your pregnancy--that you are "hoping" I can tell you are holding onto that hope. I too am "hoping" for you.

It is a real shame that people don't think before they speak. If they could just realize what they are saying and how obnoxious it is.

Poor Lucky Me said...

When people inadvertently say hurtful or annoying things to me, I usually say, "Thank you". When they ask inappropriate questions, I say "Why do you ask". When they say "Oh everything will be ok"or "something bad won't happen again" I say (in a nice voice) "How do you know?"

It's the best I can do. Otherwise I'd be saying "What is wrong with you" all the time.


Suzy said...

My Lou doesnt believe in saying Congratulations to pregnant women. It gets her into trouble sometimes with people getting pissy that she hasnt congratulated them. Her response is always "I will congratulate you when it is born breathing". We all carry our traumas with us :)