Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Professional Worrier

Last week Q and I went on a tour of the hospital birth center.  When Mei-mei is born it will be my fifth visit to Labor and Delivery (!!), with each one at a different hospital.  This hospital happens to be right across the street from the fertility clinic where Mei-mei began, which seems fitting.  I'm starting to get a little worked up about the actual birth.  Obviously, worrying about this is a welcome improvement over just constantly worrying that the baby will die.  I still worry about that, but the worry has gotten smaller so there's room in my head for other worries, too!  Here's a small sampling:

Where will my two kids go while Mei-mei is being born?  I thought maybe my mother-in-law could come up for a week or two, but do I really want that?  We're already very short on space and don't have an extra bed in the little duplex we're renting.

My doctor said the plan is not to induce but to wait for spontaneous labor.  How much of labor would I dare do at home?  Too much time at the hospital and I risk overzealous intervention; too much time at home and I risk not having enough intervention if things start going wrong.  Either way I'm sure to be gripped by crushing anxiety!  I prefer natural birth if possible, but the C-section rate is really high (30+%) and even higher for pregnancies that follow loss, since the parents and doctors are on such high alert and ready to intervene at any sign of trouble.

And what happens if labor drags on and on, as it did with my first two kids?  With baby #1, I labored for well over 30 hours with no painkillers before he was finally born.  Baby #2 was an attempted home birth (this is back when I trusted my body to do what it's supposed to do - ha!) with over 30 hours of labor at home.  At the hospital I had an epidural and pitocin for the last hour as a successful last-ditch effort to avoid a C-section.  I really need the whole thing to move along faster this time!

What if I can't function for months after the birth?  I anticipate more demon portal trouble and I kind of need to be able to walk.

What if I end up with a C-section?  Q would go with the baby and I would be on my own in the OR for reassembly and cleanup.  Thanks to endometriosis, I suspect my insides are quite a mess.  What if the doctor thinks it's a good idea to start chopping out more pieces of me, particularly my lone ovary which is afflicted with endometriomas.  Even though my lady parts are essentially useless for further babymaking, I'd rather not deal with hysterectomy/menopause just now.  Why is the idea of going from infertility to sterility just SO sad, even though the end result with both is the same for me - no more babies?

Next up:  Our maternity photo shoot on Thursday!  Also possibly making a birth plan.  I had a one page birth plan for my first two kids, but now it just seems kind of silly.  Birth? Plan? Me?


Oak said...

I can only imagine all the things going on inside your head. I always called my birth plan, my preferences because I didn't want to jinx anything by setting a plan. So you can maybe list out what you'd "prefer" to see happen and know that the plan you have now is really all that matters.

Alex said...

I love your birth plan! Sounds exactly like what I think - that's all that matters... I hope you have an easy labor, but I like that the kind of things you're worried about are very typical... :)

Emily said...

Me too. Awaiting a scheduled C-section July 21st (sooner if anything goes wrong). My plan too looks like this: kid out, cries, does well, goes to NICU, everyone healthy (or will become healthy after a relatively short hospital stay).

The end.

N said...

Sounds like enough of a plan to me. It is good that you are to the point of these kinds of worries, but so hard that you have to think of them. Do people frown on leaving kids in cupboards? Who let me become a parent? hahaha. I am certain everything will work out and all your questions will find answers.

Anonymous said...

I like your plan; I can't think of a plan at all so might have to steal yours.

Suzy said...

Yup, that's my birth plan. I simply laugh my ass off when anyone I know talks about their birth plan (and secretly I hope nothing goes to their plan...am I evil?)
I had the longest plan with my first - and every single thing on there went in the opposite direction (except I did manage to avoid a c section).
My second was stillborn and ergo with my third the plan was: get him out alive, get him out alive, get him out alive!

Cherbear said...

just wanted to pop in and leave my support! look how far you've come...so proud!!! I like the birthplan. That would be mine, too.

Jana said...

i think the plan you posted is a good one to stick with. That is exciting that you are taking maternity pics, I hope you will post them for us to see.

China Doll said...

Nice to hear from you! I was thinking this week I hadn't seen a blog from you in a while :) Your posted birth plan sounds good - I was looking at some examples the other day and they were pages and pages long... I guess they covered all eventualities but, in the end, getting that baby out and everyone being OK is all that matters xx

skytimes said...

Popped over here from Rachel's place (after shedding tears over your comment on her last post).

I have to admit, this one made me smile:
"I still worry about that, but the worry has gotten smaller so there's room in my head for other worries, too!"
Welcome to the club. My mind seems thrilled about replacing old worries with new worries. Arghh... is that the free giveaway that comes with stillbirth?

So I absolutely love your birth plan! Simple and sound. Crossing my fingers that all goes well. xx

AFM said...

I like your plan its exactly the same as mine :)
fingers and toes are crossed for smooth sailing for both of us.