Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The Answer to All Your Problems

Hope has been steadily declining since Whacking Day, as typically happens during the seemingly interminable Wait. Thus, I was not my usual cheerful self (heavy sarcasm) during last Sunday's obligatory chat with my folks. My dad called back later in the week to see if perhaps things weren't all sunshine and lollipops around here. Answer: NO!!! But can I say that to my parents: Hell NO! They are kept as far out of the loop as possible regarding our unproductive reproductive efforts. Our relationship is deeply shallow. Other contentious topics include: medical issues of any kind, church, parenting, politics, and the economy. Therefore, I take Jane Austen's advice - "If you cannot think of anything appropriate to say you will please restrict your remarks to the weather."

I wouldn't mind my dad having a limited knowledge of our situation, but my mom was such a spectacular jerk after our losses (and on many other occasions as well) that I don't wish to open myself up to further destructive drama. They both have been kept in the dark because I can't have Dad spilling info to Mom, nor can I ask Dad to keep secrets from his own wife.

My mother has a nasty habit of looking down upon anyone with health problems. She has never in all her 60 years suffered from any serious or chronic illness and believes that if someone is ill, it is somehow their own fault. For example, when my father-in-law was diagnosed with cancer, she whipped out a list she keeps by the phone by "healer" Louise L. Hay. It lists hundreds of ailments, their supposed metaphysical causes, and the magical affirmations you must repeat to yourself ad nauseum to make your troubles disappear. I will share a few for your enlightenment:

Bowel problems - fear of letting go :D
Burns - No, not hot stuff! Actually they're caused by anger burning up inside.
Diabetes - longing for what might have been. Make sure to share this with the next diabetic that you meet. They'll surely appreciate hearing that their disease is their own fault.
Poison Ivy - feeling defenseless and open to attack. To think I've been avoiding a certain to plant for all these years! From now on I'll go skipping barefoot through the forest while muttering affirmations.

It's astonishing how many people really believe crazy stuff like this. There are even crackpots out there who think pregnancy is caused by HAVING SEX! Don't I wish!

Sadly, no quick fix is listed for infertility or miscarriage. I'll make sure to contact Louise about this oversight. So stay tuned - I will let you know what affirmations fix these problems just as soon as I hear from her.


areyoukiddingme said...

So if I have no anger, then I can throw away all of my potholders? Is that the theory? Interesting! And my husband will appreciate the poison ivy advice. (*eye roll*)

christina said...

Hmm...interesting. My sister just burnt herself 2 days ago, so I'm going to be sure and let her know that it's just anger coming out.

Sounds kind of demonic to me...

The Steadfast Warrior said...

Wow, with all the anger I've had here and there, I should be covered in burn scars!

I'm sure my Mom would love to hear about her diabetes being about longing!

CeCe said...

I'm still very hopeful for you! Hope the remainder of your wait goes quickly.