Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Even More Bad News

The results are in from yet another ultrasound (it's been a very stressful week-long wait!) and despite being on the pill for a month now, my cyst has more than doubled in size, from 2 cm last month to 4.5 cm now, and has gotten quite painful. This probably means at least a few more months of waiting, which may not seem like a big deal, but my wait has been going on for three years now. I desperately want this whole issue to be resolved somehow, rather than dragging on and on with depressing news followed by still more depressing news. If the cyst grows much bigger, surgery may have to be considered . Again!! I'm still sore from the last one - and that was more than a year ago!

Since losing my babies the weeks have turned to months and the months to years, and almost all of it has been spent waiting - waiting for lab results, pathology reports, surgery, cysts, referral to an infertility clinic, cysts, and more cysts. Last year when I had an HSG test (where they inject radioactive dye through the cervix and then do an Xray to see if the fallopian tube(s) are still open) I was almost wishing my one remaining tube would be closed, because then hope could die once and for all instead of dying so painfully, inch by inch.

If this story does miraculously end happily, then all this hell will be worthwhile. But if not, I wish the senseless pain would end. All it does is compound the already substantial damage to my day-to-day functionality, faith, family, and friendships, and prevent any sort of "closure" or healing.

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