Inconceivable

Due to lack of time, I haven't been able to document this pregnancy like I did for the last one, so I'm just going to have to summarize the last three months and try to do better going forward.  Let's hope there will be five more months of going forward.  Here's the timeline so far:

March 3-8:  Family vacation in Texas.  Besides visiting tourist sites in San Antonio and Dallas, we also met with a couple of friends, including Cindy (see here), her husband, and two youngest kids!

March 10:  Back in Minnesota, I realize that my period is late.  Although I expected my period during the trip, it didn't happen so I just figured I must have miscalculated.  There could be no other explanation, right?  Wrong.  I bought a pregnancy test.  Positive.  One might think I'd be overjoyed to get pregnant without trying after years of infertility and I do hope to get there in time.  But if one knows what recurrent pregnancy loss is like, then one knows why I said A Very Bad Word.

The first item of business was to inform Q, who unfortunately could not be reached by phone at that moment.  So I sent him the following text:  "Turns out it wasn't the Whattaburger that made me feel ill."  This is in reference to the time I felt a little sick after eating a Whattaburger in Texas.  I thought it was just the result of days of eating meals that featured few fruits and veggies and precious little fiber.

Also sent Q this photo, because what man doesn't appreciate getting a message
like this in the middle of an important meeting at work?

After spending years of our lives and tens of thousands of dollars on fertility treatment, we had been enjoying the compensatory benefit of saving tens of dollars on contraception for these last few years.  We thought that pregnancy was inconceivable for us and this news is shocking beyond expression.  

After calling my sister and talking to Cindy, I called my doctor.  With my last pregnancy, I had to do a little doctor shopping to find someone willing to prescribe Lovenox from embryo transfer instead of making me wait until week six or seven weeks when a heartbeat could be seen, which is standard practice.  Luckily, no one gave me any crap this time about starting Lovenox right away.  I started about two weeks later than I did with Anastasia, but about two weeks earlier than it would normally be allowed.  Also, I am taking the same vitamins/supplements as before (baby aspirin, folic acid, calcium, vitamin D, prenatal vitamin).   

Shootin' Up!

April 7 - 8, no 9 weeks along

This was my first doctor appointment.  It was supposed to be on April Fool's Day, which seemed apropos since the whole thing still feels like a joke. However, after realizing that prenatal care is no longer covered as "preventive care" under our insurance, I decided to see my regular OB rather than the high-risk clinic at least for now, since there's nothing anyone can do right now if things go wrong. Might as well save some $$$.

At this point my hope was that either A) everything goes well with this pregnancy and I get to bring home a live baby or B) I miscarry early - the risk at my age is over 20%. Although I'd obviously prefer scenario A, I feel I could live with either of these.  What terrifies me is the possibility of suffering another late loss.  Having done it twice before does not make me better prepared for this. More knowledgeable about the process, yes.  But better at doing it?  No.  NO!!  Burying babies is not something one gets better at with practice.

In the ultrasound room, we see that not only is baby alive, but also measuring a full week ahead!  My due date gets changed to November 9 and I am officially nine weeks along.  Nice to have an extra week under my belt that easily.  This means that I successfully produced a mature, viable egg by day 7 of my cycle, a feat I never managed previously even with the aid of powerful drugs.  Also, Q managed to produce sperm capable of going the distance and finding that egg, and this despite his very low testosterone levels.  Inconceivable!

April 24 - almost 12 weeks

Another ultrasound.  Baby is measuring on track.  We did a blood test which extracts fetal cells from my blood to determine the presence of Down Syndrome and other chromosomal defects as well as gender.  The baby is a GIRL and has normal chromosomes!

My survival mechanism so far is denial.  I've been sick and tired in the first trimester, but that hasn't made it seem real.  Also, I thought doing injections again would drive home the point that this is happening.  It was a little weird taking up needlework again, but only for a couple of days.  It had been so much a part of my life for so long that it really does seem like a perfectly normal thing to do.

Alas it's midnight and so I'll have to finish later!

Next time:  Annie Argues with Stupid Doctors 

A New Hope

So it appears that improbable things DO happen to me after all.  A full eight years after Q and I were last able to make a baby just with tools we have around the house, I found out that I am pregnant again.  How did this happen, you may wonder?  I'll tell you when you're older.

Where I am now is 14 weeks along.  What we know so far is that the baby is a girl, she has normal chromosomes, is measuring on track, and the due date is November 9, which is the week of my fortieth birthday.  What we don't have any idea about yet is the state of the umbilical cord.  If you know of my history, you know this is a critical matter.  Until more is known about the condition of the cord, I hardly dare imagine what the future holds.

When I was pregnant with Anastasia, my older two kids were in school, so I had a little discretionary time each day.  I tried to compartmentalize all things pregnancy-related into that time - appointments, finding baby's heartbeat with the doppler, writing this blog, and worrying.  Of course, I was unsuccessful at compartmentalizing the anxiety, but it was nice to have free time for the other things.

This time I don't have any regular free time for myself and when school gets out in three weeks I'll have to cut back further, and that's really going to hurt.  In the past, I was able to write and read other blogs frequently and thus became part of a community of bloggers.  This time around, I'm simply writing for myself and to update friends and family, as well as for the benefit of anyone who suffers recurrent cord-related losses like mine.

My kids, who are now 12, 10, and nearly 4, know nothing of the pregnancy so far.  One of the most difficult things about our situation is the need to hide the pregnancy until it is far enough along that we feel there is some hope that the baby will live.  We have a high-level ultrasound scheduled at 19 weeks which we hope will yield good enough news that we could tell the kids.  I look back at how fun it was a few years ago to tell them I was pregnant with Anastasia.  But then I also remember when I was pregnant with Miles, who died just days before we were going to tell the kids I was pregnant.  This could go either way.  Not having much free time to think about this is not such a bad thing after all!

? at 11 weeks because the 14 weeks pics are even fuzzier!

The End

Anastasia (Mei-Mei) is now over two months old.  So many roadblocks  could have prevented her from even being conceived, not to mention all the other things that could have gone wrong. 

I'm in a state of perpetual amazement that Cradles and Graves has ended with a cradle!  

It's been a long journey that began with one critical step - daring to try again despite multiple losses and infertility.  Trying again could have brought us the worst disaster we'd ever faced.  Instead it brought us our finest hour!

The hope and courage to try again were largely inspired by Cindy, who showed us that success is possible even after multiple losses.  Thank you, Cindy, for being willing to share your experiences!   My wish is that through this blog, I can pass on that hope and courage to others who have experienced similar losses and are afraid to try again.  It really is possible to have a live, healthy baby even after multiple cord-related losses.  Post-loss pregnancy is very hard,  but also very worth it!

It's been a joy "meeting" so many wonderful blogger friends over the past few years.  Thank you for all the kind words, prayers, and support!  And with that, I will sign off:

Good morning, and in case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening, and good night!

Contest!

Well, it's my penultimate post.  Blogging has been fun (despite some very grim subject matter), therapeutic, and educational.  I've learned a lot from reading your blogs and will continue to follow along.  Before I sign off on my blog, it's time for one last chance at fun prizes here at Cradles and Graves.  Here's the scoop:

The objective is to match the items in The List below to the post referencing it - you can use the post title or date.  [Example:  AC/DC - Dirty Deeds Are Not Dirt Cheap (7/5/10)]  You get one point for each match. All the answers can be found in posts dated from November 2010 until now.

Email me your answers on or before October 31; DON'T put your answers in the comments section below - that is just helping the competition! My email is cradlesandgraves at yahoo dot com. 

This is intended to be EASY. Almost all of the answers are in the post titles, so just look at the archive list. Three items are quotes within posts and can easily be found using the handy "Search This Blog" feature on my sidebar.

The person with the most points wins a $30 Victoria's Secret gift card.  If it's a tie then the prize goes to the person who got the score first.  It's fine to send multiple emails - send them whenever you find answers and I will keep a tally of your total.

One winner will be chosen randomly, so make sure to enter even if you find only one answer.  [Hint:  Look at the post just below!]  The winner will get a selection of fine chocolates and shortbread.

YOU can win.  It doesn't matter if you're a blogger or not.  Doesn't matter if you're a previous winner here, or if you live in a different country.  Or whether you're just stopping by for ICLW or are a long-time real-life friend.  

The List:  

1) the musical Annie

2) Tori Amos

3) A period of violence that occurred for one year and one month after the onset of the  French Revolution

4) The Beatles 

5) Tracy Bonham

6) Johnny Cash

7) Christian hymn

8) Bill Clinton

9) Charles Dickens

10) The Joy Luck Club

11) Lady Gaga

12) Led Zeppelin

13) Leo Tolstoy

14) A pop standard from the 1940's by Frank Loesser

15) A young-adult novel by Lois Lowry

16) Madonna

17) Marilyn Monroe

18) John Mellencamp

19) H. Ross Perot

20) Queen
21) Orson Welles

22) TV show in which the hosts use scientific methods to test the validity of various myths and misconceptions

23) TV show that profiles fugitives wanted for various crimes

24) Variation on the title of a theological book by C.S. Lewis

25) Young MC

26) 1967 romantic comedy/drama starring Dustin Hoffman and Anne Bancroft

27) 1977 comedy film produced and directed by Mel Brooks, who also plays the lead role of new administrator of The Psycho-Neurotic Institute for the Very, Very Nervous

28) 1995 comedy based on Jane Austen's novel Emma 

29) 2000 movie about a hostage rescue starring Meg Ryan and Russell Crowe

Update November 1:  And now, the winners of my contest! The Victoria's Secret gift card goes to Embracing the Rain, who scored an impressive 28 points.  I've decided to pick TWO random winners, so chocolates/shortbread go to Jana at Find Joy Now and Sissy Wisk in Kentucky.  

Also, here's a recent pic of Mei-Mei:

Suicide Bombs and Sleeper Cells

One of the many great delights of being pregnant was that it put my endometriosis in remission.  Now that I am breastfeeding, my hope is to enjoy at least another full year of feeling fabulous.  I also hope to keep my knees together and stay out of the stirrups, 'cuz I'm a lady.  

These days, my mind is usually occupied with happy things, but sometimes I worry about what awaits me when the endo becomes active again.  I picture the endometrioma(s) on my lone ovary as suicide bombers just waiting for the chance to blow it all to hell.  

And of course there are all the other endo implants lurking who-knows-where.  Right now they're sleeper cells,  but they may become quite menacing once activated. 

I've already had some familiar, though short-lived pain since Mei-mei was born.  Alarmed that the sleeper cells may be reactivating so soon, I reported this to the proper authority.  According to my doctor, the pain is likely caused by my innards yanking on some adhesions as they shift back into place.  

My doctor also mentioned birth control.  Ha!  He said he's seen miraculous post-IVF pregnancies, but I don't think that will happen to me.  Improbable things don't happen to me!  I don't know whether a do-it-ourselves pregnancy is impossible or just extremely improbable.  Maybe adhesions have distorted my anatomy.  Or maybe my only tube is blocked.  I have no intention of doing any sort of tests to find out:

As far as reproduction is concerned, Q and I are taking a laissez faire approach. I'm 99.9% certain that we can't make another baby just with tools we have around the house.  While we would welcome another living child, we have no intention of messing things up by risking another traumatic loss.  Not that it's up to us anyway - thanks infertility!  The objective now is to relax and enjoy our lives sans fertility treatment.  For me, no more charting, no more injections, and no more planning my life around doctor appointments.  For Q, no more Wacking Day, no more Uplifting Reading in The Back Room, and no more dealing with an erratic hormonal wife.  Ok, so maybe he's not totally off the hook on that last one.  

Since our story has reached a very happy ending and there will be no trying again, the time is nigh for signing off on this blog.  But first we will be having a little contest and giveaway, so stay tuned!

If you want a happy ending, that depends, of course,  on where you stop your story.  -Orson Welles

Anastasia Has the Answers

Right before Q and I got married ten years ago, we realized I might have reproductive issues but I never could have imagined just how hard family-building would be.  I'm very thankful to have our happy ending here in my arms.  My family is now as complete as it's going to get, but I'll always wonder why it all happened this way.

Why did everything go so perfectly for Anastasia but not for Jeremiah and Miles?  What made the difference?   I wish I could know why, not only for myself but also for other women like me and for my children, in case there is some risk for them when they start having children of their own.  Was it a lucky combination of genes?  Was it the aspirin and pig intestinal mucous I injected into myself?  Did the fistful of supplements I took daily help?  Anastasia has the answers, but she's not talking.

Last week I was able to see the pathology report on Anastasia's placenta and cord.  According to the pathologist, everything looked absolutely normal.  I'd have to fill out some paperwork and pay a ridiculous fee in order to get a copy of the report for myself, so I don't have it to post on the blog.  Maybe I'll get to it later, but for now I spend too much of my limited free time trying to get United Hell Care to pay up on all the medical bills.  Instead, you can enjoy these lovely photos of the placenta.  Or if you'd prefer to skip that, you can enjoy these lovely photos of Anastasia instead:

One month old

Return to Pooh Corner 

Our family tradition is to take photos of our babies with these stuffed toys each month until the baby is one.  It's a great way to see how quickly they grow.  Pooh, Tigger, and Eeyore had been unemployed and collecting dust for years during our family downturn. What a joy it is to see them back at work with our new baby girl!

Mythbusters: The Glowing Tomato

What does one do with all those leftover syringes once treatment is done?  Q and I tried to get creative.  Here are the results:

1)  I saw this video on YouTube and decided to find out if this is really possible.



I tried it, but my tomato looked nothing like this picture - not even the faintest glow.  All I ended up with was a leaky, stinky mess.  This myth is busted.

2)  Q did find the large syringes useful for applying glue to his model railroad:

3) And I use them to clean out blown eggs for making pysanky:

And while we're on the subject of needles, here is my impressive collection of used ones.  The grand total is 491!  I must give Q credit for helping me out with maybe ten of the PIO shots, but I self-injected with the other 481.  I turned all my sharps in at the clinic today.  No more needlework for me!  Time to find a new hobby!

Fun Math Fact:  If you put just the needles end to end they would reach over 26 feet (8 meters).  A needle that long could skewer this giant crocodile the long way...with 5 feet to spare!